Dude, Where's My Rum!
by ToTheMoonAndBack
Summary: One day, Jack wakes up and the rum in all of the Caribbean is gone. He, Will, Natalie, Jessica, and the crew of the Black Pearl go on a quest to find out where the rum has gone, encountering many random sights
1. The Rum is Gone!

Disclaimer: I do not own anything that has to do with "Pirates of the Caribbean". Sadly, I do not own Orlando Bloom or Johnny Depp. The only person I do own is Natalie (myself)  
  
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It was a bright sunny morning in the Caribbean Islands. Jack Sparrow opened his eyes to find himself on the floor in the kitchen of his friend, Will Turner's, house. In his hands were empty rum bottles. He couldn't remember the night before.  
  
"Man, was I stoned last night. I can't remember a single thing," Jack said.  
  
At that moment, Will, Jack's friend, walked into the kitchen.  
  
"Man, was I stoned last night. I can't remember a single thing," Will said.  
  
"Dude, same here," Jack said.  
  
Will opened the cabinet where he kept his alcoholic beverages. It was empty. He stared at it, and then he turned around and stared at Jack.  
  
"Dude, where's my rum?" Will asked.  
  
"Dude, where's your rum?" Jack asked.  
  
"Dude, where's my rum?"  
  
"Dude, where's your rum?"  
  
"Dude, where's my rum?"  
  
"Dude, where's your rum?"  
  
"Dude, where's my...okay, this is getting us nowhere," said Will.  
  
"Let's go buy some rum!" Jack said.  
  
"Okay!  
  
At that moment, someone started to knock on the door. Will walked to open it.  
  
"Elizabeth," he muttered darkly when he saw who it was.  
  
"Will," she replied.  
  
Will gave her a dirty look and let her in. The reason why Will no longer loved Elizabeth was because he found out that she was cheating on him with Jack. So, after that, he never forgave her. Fortunately, he found out before he married her. He was mad at Jack, too, but not as mad as he was at Elizabeth. Instead, Will found another girlfriend. Her name was Natalie, and she was a female blacksmith, who practiced sword fighting with him three hours a day. She was also a very good archer. She had curly brown hair with blonde streaks and she also had golden colored eyes.  
  
"Jack, have you been drinking again?" Elizabeth asked. At this comment, Will turned all of his attention to Jack.  
  
"Uh...er...no! Of course not! Rum is a vile tasting drink that turns even the most respected gentlemen into complete scoundrels!"  
  
"Right," she said.  
  
"Anyways, Will has no rum! It's all gone! He's completely out of it! Let's all go find some rum!" Jack said.  
  
"Okay, but let me go get Natalie, maybe she'll want to come with us," Will said. He left the room and went to go find Natalie. He told her that they were leaving in search of rum and asked her if she wanted to accompany them.  
  
"I'd love to," she told him.  
  
All four walked down the street to the stores. They searced from store to store, but every one of them was sold out. They even asked people if they could buy rum off of them, but no one had any rum.  
  
"It's as if the rum's dropped off the face of the Earth!" Will said.  
  
"Maybe it did, and all the other cargo ships with rum went over the edge, too!" Elizabeth said.  
  
Natalie rolled her eyes, "The world is not flat! It's round, idiot!"  
  
"I've got an idea!" Jack said.  
  
"What?" everyone asked.  
  
"Let's all go on a hunt for rum!" Jack smiled. "And, we'll be sailing on the finest ship in the entire ocean...the Black Pearl. We'll travel all the seven seas if we have to!"  
  
"Okay!" Will said.  
  
About eight hours later, everyone was packed and onboard the ship. Jack was busy ordering his crew, and Will was busy keeping Natalie and Elizabeth from fighting, and his attempt was failing.  
  
"Why don't you just go and put on your corset and make it so tight that you can't breathe!" Natalie screamed.  
  
"At least I wear one!" Elizabeth retorted.  
  
"Well, excuse me, Miss Proper-English-Woman-who-likes-torturing-herself!"  
  
"Go back to your workshop and make a sword or something. You are so un- woman-like!"  
  
"Okay...maybe I can test it on you when I'm done making it!" Natalie spat back.  
  
"Girls...can you please stop fighting?" Will asked.  
  
"NO!" both yelled.  
  
"Okaaay....never mind!" he said.  
  
They got into a cat-fight, and Natalie was winning. She'd tightened the strings on Elizabeth's corset, making it impossible to breathe. While Elizabeth stuggled with her corset, Natalie drew out her sword and hit Elizabeth on the side of the head with the flat side of it. She then took Elizabeth's corset and climbed to the top of the mast. She stood up in the crow's nest, and held it up for all the crew members to see. She then attached it to the line where the skull and crossbones flag was. The whole crew started to laugh at this. The mute man's parrot flew up to the crow's nest and pooped on the corset-flag. It then landed on Natalie's shoulder, and they both bowed. This made the crew laugh even harder. The whole time, Jack hadn't even noticed the cat-fight because he was too busy studying his compass that didn't point north. Even with the loud, boisterious laugh of the crew, he still didn't look up.  
  
He finally noticed it four hours later when Elizabeth came running up to him, pointing up at the mast.  
  
"What a lovely flag, matey!" he commented and grinned.  
  
"JACK! That....that....blacksmith....stuck it up there!" she raged.  
  
"Who, Will?"  
  
"NOT WILL, THE OTHER ONE!"  
  
"That's interesting."  
  
"Get it down!"  
  
"Don't fret, poppet! We'll get it back!" he promised.  
  
Jack called one of the crew members and he told them to retrieve the corset.  
  
"Land ho!" called the crew memeber as he handed Jack the corset.  
  
"Aye. I saw it, too." he said. Jack ordered the crew to get ready to dock. He handed the corset back to Elizabeth, who frowned in disgust as she saw the parrot poop on it. The ship made contact with the dock, and the crew members jumped over to tie it up. They were ready to find their rum. 


	2. Of Unexprected Visitors, Elves, and Cors...

Disclaimer: I do not own anything that has to do with "Pirates of the Caribbean". Sadly, I do not own Orlando Bloom or Johnny Depp. I do not own any thing (Legolas) in Lord of the Rings, either. The only person I do own is Natalie (myself)  
  
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Jack swaggered out of the ship. Will, Natalie, Elizabeth, and the rest of the crew followed him. They headed into the heart of the city, Tortuga. The townspeople were all giving them strange looks.  
  
"Is is me, or does everyone here seem ticked off?" asked Natalie.  
  
"Yeah, they're acting quite unusual," Will said.  
  
They went into all of the stores and pubs in the whole city. But, sitll there was no rum to be found. A girl with short brown hair that was holding hands with a guy with long, blonde hair and blue eyes. They were both skipping around and yelling, "Dude, where's our rum?!"  
  
"Hey...that guy looks like Legolas!" Natalie said.  
  
"He is! I'm Jesse! We're looking for rum!" said the girl  
  
"So are we!" Will said.  
  
"Can we come with you?"  
  
"No," Jack said.  
  
"He's hot," Natalie said. She then cowered when she saw the look on Will's face. "You're hotter!" she said.  
  
They then continued on their quest to find rum.  
  
"Wait...what about that little pub?" Natalie said, pointing to a buiding at the top of a hill.  
  
"We never checked that one," Will said.  
  
They headed up the hill to a building that looked ancient. It looked like it was originally painted orange, but over all the years, it gradually turned into a yellow shade. The door was as if it was only hanging by a screw. It was a wreck of a building. Jack ran into the building. The others walked in slowly. They looked around the inside. It was painted black, and the furniture was yellow. The chairs and tables were thrown around, as if there had been a fight. Odly, there were no other people in the room.  
  
Jack was at the bar were the stools were. Will saw that he was talking to a man that looked like the owner of the pub. A few minutes later, Jack came back to the others and informed them that there was no rum in Tortuga.  
  
"Mateys, this is becoming a mystery!"  
  
"Aye," Will said.  
  
They headed back down to the docks. As they were getting ready to board the Black Pearl, someone dressed in all black grabbed Elizabeth and put a dagger to her throat.  
  
"Make one wrong move, and your bonnie lass gets it!" said the black-garbed person to Will.  
  
"Yay! Someone's finally going to kill off Elizabeth!" Natalie cheered.  
  
"Huh?"  
  
"We don't like her. You can do whatever you want with her!"  
  
The black-garbed person released Elizabeth and grabbed Natalie and put the dagger to her throat.  
  
"Natalie!" Will cried.  
  
"Let me take over your ship and I'll let her live!"  
  
"But n one but me can give away the Pearl! And, I don't want to!" Jack said. "Anyways, I need it because I'm on a search for rum!"  
  
"Did you say rum?" asked the person.  
  
"Aye, matey!" Jack said.  
  
The person released Natalie and took off their hood. It was a girl. She had reddish-blonde hair and blue eyes.  
  
"Jessica?" Natalie asked.  
  
The girl nodded. "And who are you?"  
  
"It's me! Natalie!"  
  
"Oh my gosh! It is you! I'm sooo sorry about the dagger! You know I wouldn't have slit your throat! I'm looking for rum, too."  
  
"Right. It's okay, I'm used to threats from pirates! Hey! Why don't you come with us on our rum search!"  
  
"Okay!"  
  
Natalie introduced Jessica to the whole crew of the Black Pearl. Well, all most everyone.  
  
"You did not tell me this hot guy's name," Jessica said, pointing towards Will.  
  
"Oh, that's Will Turner."  
  
"Nice to meet you! Are you single?" Jessica asked.  
  
"Uh...no...I'm not."  
  
"Jessica...back off...he's mine! Why don't you go talk with Jack or someone!" Natalie growled.  
  
Jessica decided to go talk with Elizabeth. A few minutes later, she came back looking disgusted.  
  
"That girl is such a brat! She's so stuck up! No wonder you wanted me to slit her throat!"  
  
"Yeah, we all knew that!" Will said.  
  
"She used to be Will's fiancé until he found out that she was cheating on him," Natalie whispered to Jessica so that Will would not overhear.  
  
"No way!"  
  
"Yes way. He's never forgiven her for it. He gave her so much, and that was how she repaid him. He stole a ship, fought pirates, and risked being hung just to save her sorry ass."  
  
"What a bitch! I mean, how could you cheat on Will? He's so hot!"  
  
"I know. But that's okay because I'm his fiancé now!" Natalie said showing Jessica a gold ring that had a golden skull and crossbones on it. There were diamonds for the eye sockets.  
  
"I LOVE THAT RING!" Jessica said. She decided to go find Jack and bother him. She swaggered around the deck, as if she was drunk.  
  
"She walks like Jack," Will observed.  
  
"She's an alcoholic, like Jack," Natalie said.  
  
"Good thing the rest of the crew's not like that!"  
  
Jack wasn't paying Jessica any attention, as usual, he was studying his compass. No one was really paying her any attention. So, no one really noticed her walk down into the storage area of the ship. Nobody noticed this because they were all busy. Jack was busy studying his compass and navigating the ship, the crew was busy setting sails and cleaning the decks, Elizabeth was busy tightening her corset, and Natalie and Will were busy making out.  
  
About two hours later, Jessica swaggered back onto the deck. She appeared to be highly drunk. She saw Natalie and Will and commented, "You know, that's why we have cabins below the deck." She continued on walking to Jack. "You're hot," she hiccuped.  
  
"Is she drunk?" asked Elizabeth.  
  
"Yes, but what did she drink?" Natalie said.  
  
"Please say you didn't drink the wine," Will said.  
  
"I like wine," Jessica hiccuped. She then attempted to kiss Jack.  
  
"What the...?" he said.  
  
"That's the scariest thing I have ever seen," Natalie said. Will agreed.  
  
Elizabeth was angry now. She held up her fist. "Why you little...how dare you!" She lept at Jessica. Natalie drew out her sword just in time and managed to stop Elizabeth from attacking Jessica.  
  
"Elizabeth, she's drunk off her ass! Go away!" Jack said. He was obviously enjoying this because Jessica was now on the ground worshipping him.  
  
"I love Christmas with all the bright fireworks and the little short green Irish guys that pass out Valentines! On Christmas Eve, the Great Pumpkin comes and gives us colored eggs!" Jessica yelled.  
  
"Huh?" everyone said.  
  
"She is sooooooo drunk," Will said.  
  
"She's as bad as me! I think I'm gonna like this sheila!" Jack said.  
  
"Jack, will you marry me?" Jessica sat on his lap and held out a huge hat with a big feather on the top.  
  
Jack's eyes widened when he saw the hat. "Yes, yes, yes! Of course! Give me that hat, poppet!"  
  
Jessica swayed from side to side and barfed all over Jack's clothes. Horrified, Jack ran over to the plank and jumped into the ocean. Natalie and Will pulled him back up onto the ship.  
  
"Natalie. Will. You two will guard the wine from now on!" He turned to Jessica, "No more alcohol for you, poppet!"  
  
Natalie and Will made their way to the storage. The place was a mess. There were bottles of wine everywhere. Most of them were full and others were half-drunken.  
  
"So, Jessica's your friend?"  
  
"Yeah, I've known her since I was like five," Natalie said.  
  
"Has she always been a drunk?"  
  
"No. She never drank wine, rum, or whiskey much. She must have recently become an alcoholic."  
  
"Oh, I see."  
  
"Will..."  
  
"Yes?"  
  
"Do you think we'll ever find out what happened to the rum?"  
  
"I think we will. Jack's keen on finding rum, and knowing him, I know we'll find it!"  
  
Natalie looked around and found some wine glasses and filled them up to the rim. "Shh! Don't let Jack see that Jessica's not the only one that's drinking his wine! Hehe! Anyways, I think we should drink some of it before Jessica or Jack drinks it all. I know that Elizabeth hates wine, and the crew wouldn't really touch the wine because they didn't have Jack's permission!"  
  
"Right-o, poppet!" Will said immitating Jack.  
  
They both drank the wine. At first, they'd only had two glasses each, but then Will wanted to have a wine drinking contest to see who could drink the most wine. Natalie had eight glasses, while Will had eleven. They were both so drunk that it wasn't funny.  
  
Natalie started to giggle when she noticed how Will was swaggering like Jack and Jessica, but Will was laughing at her because she was slurring all her words and he couldn't understand a single word she said.  
  
"I'm going to braid your hair!" Natalie exclaimed randomly.  
  
"Uh...I don't know what you said, but whatever!"  
  
Natalie started to braid his hair. She was doing a horrible job because she was drunk. She must have braided a bunch of knots in because it took her a long time to take it out later on.  
  
Jessica and Elizabeth walked into the room and both froze.  
  
"What did you do to Will?" asked Elizabeth.  
  
"I braided his hair! Isn't he prettyful?"  
  
"Uh...I reckon that Natalie's drunk as I was earlier!" Jessica said.  
  
"I'm not drunk!" Natalie hiccuped.  
  
"Me neither!" Will said.  
  
"Right." both of the girls said.  
  
"We're going to have to report you to the captain," Elizabeth said.  
  
"YOU ARE GOING DOWN, BITCH!" Natalie screamed. She grabbed Will and they both ran towards the girl. Jessica saw what they intended to do, and joined in.  
  
"DIE! DIE! DIE!" Will yelled.  
  
"You're going to walk the plank!" Natalie said.  
  
"How could you cheat on Will?!" Jessica said.  
  
"Jack is not hot!" Natalie said.  
  
"She's with Jack? AHHHHHH! DIE!" Jessica screamed.  
  
All three of the angry pirates grabbed Elizabeth by her feet and hands and took her up above the deck. They then tightened her corset so that she couldn't breathe and then tossed her overboard.  
  
"What did I miss?" Jack said as he looked up from his compass.  
  
"Nothing, nothing!" Natalie said.  
  
"Yeah," Will and Jessica agreed.  
  
"Where's Elizabeth?" Jack asked.  
  
"Uh..."  
  
"We...uh...she...uh..." said Will  
  
"I THREW HER OVERBOARD!" Natalie yelled.  
  
"Oh, okay!" Jack said.  
  
"He's not mad?" Natalie asked Will.  
  
"He's gotta be drunk. Either that or he likes Jessica more."  
  
"I love Jessica!" Jack started to sing.  
  
"AHHH! The horror! The horror! Jack's singing!" Natalie covered her ears.  
  
"Yo ho! Yo ho! A pirate's life for me!" Jessica joined in.  
  
"Stop singing!" Natalie and Will both said.  
  
The crew started to join in the song. Natalie and Will both ran below the decks covering their ears in horror. They wondered if the whole trip was going to be like this. After all, who knew how long it was going to be until they found what had happened to the rum. 


	3. Hyperventilating and Bubbles

Disclaimer: I do not own anything that has to do with "Pirates of the Caribbean". Sadly, I do not own Orlando Bloom or Johnny Depp. I do not own any thing (Legolas) in Lord of the Rings, either. The only person I do own is Natalie (myself)  
  
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Jack and his crew sailed to the Isla de Muerta. He thought that there may be some left over rum from when Barbossa and his zombie crew had been there. Legend said that Barbossa had a whole golden room filled with golden rum in golden kegs with golden spouts that pours into golden goblets which went past the golden teeth of the pirates and down their throat holes which were sometimes slit by golden daggers.  
  
Jack had his crew stay aboard to manage the ship. He had Natalie, Will, and Jessica come with him to inspect the whole island. They got into the little boat and paddled into the little caves. They then paddled all the way to the end of the caves and pulled their boat ashore.  
  
"Arr! I know there's gotta be some rum here!" Jack said.  
  
"What if the legend is false?" Will asked.  
  
"Then I shall travel all the way to Rumchestertonfieldville!" Jack exclaimed.  
  
"Rum-wha?" asked Natalie.  
  
"Rumchestertonfieldville! It's the city where all the rum is made!" Jack said.  
  
"Ooooh! I wanna go there!" Jessica said.  
  
"Poppet, one day we'll sail there and drink all the rum together!" Jack said.  
  
"Yay!" Jessica grinned idiotically.  
  
"Oh puh-leeze!" Natalie said.  
  
"I heard that!" Jessica said.  
  
"You know, I would have never agreed to come along on this quest if I would have known you would be with us," Will said to Jessica.  
  
Jessica turned bright red and started to hyperventilate.  
  
"Are you saying that you wouldn't have come even if I did? I feel so unwanted!" Natalie sat down on the ground. She hugged her knees and started to rock back and forth muttering, "You're contaminating my bubble!"  
  
"I didn't mean that!" Will said.  
  
Natalie ignored him and kept on rocking back and forth. Jessica was getting redder and still hyperventilating.  
  
"I really didn't mean that!" Will said to Natalie.  
  
Natalie rocked back and forth and muttered, "You're contaminating my bubble!" Jessica was still red and hyperventilating.  
  
Will couldn't stand it anymore and threw himself on the ground and started to rock back and forth muttering, "You're contaminating my bubble!"  
  
"Arr! I'm on a quest with a bunch of psychos!" Jack said to himself.  
  
Two hours later...  
  
Jack walked back to where he had left the others. Natalie and Will were both still rocking back and forth on the ground and Jessica was still hyperventilating.  
  
"CRIKEY!" Jack yelled.  
  
"Bubble?" Natalie asked.  
  
"No!"  
  
"What do you want then?" Natalie asked.  
  
"Finally! You speak! I cannot find any rum!"  
  
Jessica stopped hyperventilating and turned around, her face was purple and her eyes were wide. "WHAT...DID...YOU...SAY?!" she nearly screamed.  
  
"Uh...no rum?" Jack squeaked.  
  
"NO RUM?! AHHHHHHHH!" Jessica started to bang her head against the wall of the caves causing the stalactites to fall.  
  
"We must get out of here!" Jack said.  
  
"Nah, really?" Natalie asked sarcastically. She then jumped into the water and started to swim out of the caves. The others followed in pursuit. They left the rowboat there and swam all the way back to the Black Pearl.  
  
When the crew finally pulled them back on board, they were all delirious and foaming at the mouths and muttering about random things.  
  
"Rum bubbles are contamintating me!" Natalie said as she rocked back and forth on the deck.  
  
"I like corn on the cob," said Jessica.  
  
"Ahhhh! The dragon is lifting its tail!" Will screamed.  
  
"Arr! This be my favorite tree!" Jack said pointing at a rope.  
  
"What in all that is sane?" asked the parrot.  
  
The crew took pails of cold water and threw them at the four insane pirates. It took a while for them to stop muttering random sayings, but they finally stopped.  
  
"Arr! We be no finding any rum in them caves!" Jack said to his crew.  
  
"Where are we to go now?" asked a crewmember.  
  
"Rumchestertonfieldville!" Jack said. He took a swig of red wine and went back to the steering wheel of the ship.  
  
Jessica started to breakdance on the deck and Natalie and Will stared at her and both exchanged glances that said, "What the Hell?"  
  
As they drew farther away from the Isla de Muerta, they noticed that a little boat was following them. It soon was only five feet away, when the person threw a rope with a hook on it on the deck. They then climbed up to the deck.  
  
"Who dares to climb on board my ship?!" Jack asked.  
  
"It is I, Elizabeth Swann!" said the hooded figure. She threw off her hood and they could all see her face.  
  
"Elizabitch! I thought we threw you overboard!" Natalie said.  
  
"You forgot one thing...that was the same island that Barbossa stranded Jack and I on that one time. I happened to remember him telling me that the rum ships sometimes go through that island. Fortunately, the ship was there searching for any rum that Jack may have had hidden on the island. There was none since last time I had been there, I'd burned it all for a signal fire. They rescued me and lent me a boat. And now I have come back!"  
  
"Oh no," said Jessica.  
  
"You can say that again," Natalie said.  
  
"Oh--"  
  
"I didn't mean it that way, you retard!" Natalie said.  
  
Jessica pouted and walked over to Jack and started to drink his canteen of red wine.  
  
"What in the blazes are you doing?!" he yelled.  
  
"Mmm! Red wine!" Jessica said.  
  
"You know what? That's my red wine! I did not say you can drink it! Arr, matey! You drinking all my red wine really turns me on!" Jack said.  
  
"What the Hell?" Natalie said.  
  
"I agree...he's scaring me," Will said.  
  
"He's mine!" Jessica screamed at them. "My Precious!"  
  
"Don't go all Gollum on us," Natalie said.  
  
"Keep your paws off of him!"  
  
"I wouldn't even look at him...I've got Will!"  
  
"I was talking to Elizabitch!"  
  
"Oh."  
  
"Hey! Stop calling me that!"  
  
"Let's throw her off the ship!" Will said.  
  
"Okay!" Natalie and Jessica said.  
  
Together, the three pirates pulled Elizabeth by her corset strings and threw her overboard. They watched as she fell and saw a great white shark swallow her whole.  
  
"Well, that'll be the last of her," said Natalie...or will it? 


	4. And So the Breakdancing Begins

Disclaimer: I do not own anything that has to do with "Pirates of the Caribbean". Sadly, I do not own Orlando Bloom or Johnny Depp. I do not own any thing (Legolas) in Lord of the Rings, either. The only person I do own is Natalie (myself)  
  
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Jack decided to make a pit stop in the Bahamas. He needed to talk to his old friend, Jamal. So the whole crew had to set the sails and head north towards the Bahamas.  
  
"Why are we going to this Jamal guy again?" Natalie asked Will.  
  
"Dunno...I think Jack wants to know if he has a storage of rum somewhere," replied the blacksmith.  
  
Jessica ran towards them in a pink ballerina tutu and started to breakdance on the deck. Natalie and Will both rolled their eyes and stared at their crazy friend.  
  
"Jessica, this is getting insane! Why the heck do you keep on dressing up and breakdancing on the deck?" asked Will.  
  
"Arr! There be gold in the dolphin!" Jessica hiccuped. She pointed towards a dead rat on floor.  
  
"That's just gross," Natalie said.  
  
"My gold!" Jessica sprinted over to the rat and started to hack at it with Jack's sword.  
  
"Ahhh! My sword!" Jack shrieked.  
  
"Uh, Jack, I think she got into the red wine again," Natalie said.  
  
"I thought you and Will were going to guard it!"  
  
"Well...we were. And then we came up here to help the crew with all the sails," Will replied.  
  
"I've got a better job for you two. Keep an eye on her."  
  
"On who?" asked Will.  
  
Jack turned his head and looked at Jessica.  
  
"What?"  
  
Jack moved his head again in Jessica's way.  
  
"What are you talking about?"  
  
"Grr!" Jack took out his sword and pointed it at Jessica who was going under the deck.  
  
"Oh I get it now!" Will said,  
  
"I swear, if I didn't know your hair was naturally brown, I'd say it was originally blonde!"  
  
"Is that a threat?"  
  
"No, it's called sarcasm, you retard."  
  
"At least I'm not a drag queen!"  
  
"Hey, I still have a girlfriend!"  
  
"At least I don't steal my best friend's girlfriend, and at least my girlfriend is not a drunk that runs around hacking at dead rats with my sword!" Will replied.  
  
"Weeeyuuuu!" Jessica hopped back onto the deck in an English redcoat. And, like always, she started to breakdance.  
  
Natalie rolled her eyes and said, "That's not funny anymore!"  
  
Jessica stopped doing the worm and gave Natalie an evil look. "How dare you insult me! You racist Yank!"  
  
Natalie gasped and slapped Jessica. "How dare you call me that! I am no American! I belong to the Caribbean! And how am I racist?"  
  
"I'm Mexican and I live in a jail cell. And since they're out of cots, I have to sleep in a box. And you made fun of my job! And you ran over my box with a llama!"  
  
"What the Hell?" Natalie was now confused.  
  
"See!"  
  
"Jess, you need help. You're not Mexican, you don't even live in a jail cell, you don't sleep in a box, and I don't have a llama! And I didn't even know you had a job!"  
  
"I work at the jail and I pick up rats for a living. I get $2.01 per rat!"  
  
"Okaaay then!" Natalie said.  
  
"You're so racist."  
  
"I don't get it, how am I racist?"  
  
"Butterflies are tasty when I pour hot sauce on them!"  
  
"Will...help...she's...scaring...me!" Natalie said.  
  
"Yeah, she's scaring me, too!" he replied.  
  
Jessica skipped back under the deck and started to sing "Jingle-Jack-O- Lantern!"  
  
"Alrighty then!" Natalie said.  
  
"That's interesting," Jack commented.  
  
"Don't you ever say anything else?" Natalie asked.  
  
"No."  
  
"Okay then!"  
  
"There is a fell voice on the air!" Will said.  
  
"Huh?" asked Jack.  
  
"Uh...wrong script, Will!" Natalie said.  
  
"That's interesting!"  
  
"No, that's Jack's quote!"  
  
"Oh. Well what was I supposed to say then?"  
  
"You were supposed to say, 'Look at Jessica!'"  
  
"Oh, okay! Look at Jessica!"  
  
Everyone turned around to see Jessica swagger onto the deck. She was wearing chain mail shirt, baggy black pants, red and green socks, and Dutch clogs. She started to breakdance.  
  
"You know, this is actually sort of entertaining," said Jack.  
  
"He's right," Will said, "She's making a total idiot of herself!"  
  
"Yeah," laughed Natalie.  
  
"Yo ho! You hoe! Pirates really like me!" Jessica sang.  
  
"She's a freak," said Will.  
  
"She's my freak!" Jack exclaimed as he started to breakdance with Jessica.  
  
"They're psychopathic," Natalie said.  
  
"Yep!" Will agreed.  
  
"Land ho!" said the parrot.  
  
"Who are you calling a hoe?" Jessica asked.  
  
"By crikey, she's stupid!" the parrot screamed.  
  
"I think I'm going to like this bird," said Will.  
  
"Me too," Natalie said.  
  
Everyone walked on the land once the ship was docked and Jessica paid the shilling to tie the ship up.  
  
Jack took the bag with the shillings and quietly put them in his pocket in his coat.  
  
"You're so evil," said Jessica.  
  
"Really? Will said I was a good man!"  
  
"Will's wrong. I'm only attracted to evil guys. So you must be evil!"  
  
"Okaaay then!" Natalie said.  
  
"She is scaring me!" Will said.  
  
"I think we've made that clear."  
  
All of a sudden, some random black guy with dreadlocks and a beanie-cap came and slapped Jack on the back.  
  
"Welcome to the Bahamas, mon!" he said.  
  
"Jamal!" Jack said.  
  
"Jack, you old rascal! What ah you doin' 'ere?"  
  
"I'm on a quest for rum!"  
  
"Why, isn't every mon lookin' for rum?"  
  
"I guess so!" Jack said.  
  
"We don't 'ave any rum if that is what you ah askin' for!" Jamal said.  
  
Randomly, a girl with short brown hair that was holding hands with a guy with long, blonde hair and blue eyes. They were both skipping around and yelling, "Dude, where's outr rum?!"  
  
"Hey...that guy looks like Legolas!" Natalie said.  
  
"He is! I'm Jesse! We're looking for rum!" said the girl.  
  
"So are we!" Will said.  
  
"Can we come with you?"  
  
"No," Jack said.  
  
"He's hot," Natalie said. She then cowered when she say the look on Will's face. "You're still hotter!" she said.  
  
"Hey, haven't we seen you in Tortuga?" Natalie asked.  
  
"Oh my god! This is like deja vu!" Jack squealed like a valley girl.  
  
"Yeah," said Will.  
  
"We're on a search for rum!" Jesse said again.  
  
"Well, isn't every mon lookin' for rum?" asked Jamal.  
  
"I guess so!" said Jesse.  
  
"Can I be your girlfriend?" Natalie asked Legolas.  
  
"NATALIE!" Will asked.  
  
"Oops!"  
  
"Anyways, he's mine!" Jesse said.  
  
"That's okay, I have Will!" Natalie said trying to get on Will's good side again.  
  
"And I have my bow!" Legolas said.  
  
"His accent! So hot!" Natalie said. She cowered when she saw the look on Will's face. "Your accent is still sexier!"  
  
"Right," Will said.  
  
"Can we accompany you on your quest to find rum?" Legolas asked Natalie.  
  
"Why su--" Natalie was cut off by a glance from Will that said, "Don't-you- dare-invite-them-to-travel-on-the-Black-Pearl-with-us!"  
  
"I'm sorry, but as Jack said earlier, no!" Will said.  
  
Jesse and Legolas skipped away singing, "Dude, where's our rum?!"  
  
"Well, that was strange," Jessica said.  
  
"Yeah, it has to be strange soming from a person like you!" Will said.  
  
Natalie nodded and started to giggle hysterically.  
  
"Hey!" Jessica started to hyperventitlate. She turned red.  
  
"He was just joking!" Natalie said.  
  
Jessica didn't listen. Natalie took a pail of cold water and threw it on Jessica. Jessica stopped hyperventilating and started to breakdance on the pier.  
  
"Why does she like to breakdance?" asked Will.  
  
"I dunno, but she's hot!" said Jack.  
  
"Okaay...I'm going to pretend that I just did not witness Jack tell us that he thinks that Jessica is hot and that he likes her breakdancing!" Natalie said.  
  
"Same here," Will agreed.  
  
"Let's go back on the Pearl, I'm sure the crew will be disappointed to find out that there is no rum to be found in the Bahamas!"  
  
"To Rumchestertonfieldville!" Jessica said.  
  
"Buh-bye, mons!" said Jamal.  
  
"Bye Jamal!" everyone said.  
  
They boarded the ship and left. There were in the middle of nowhere whena little boat pulled up beside their ship. The person in the ship took a rope and a grappling hook and tossed it onto the deck. They then climbed onto the ship.  
  
"Oh no," said Natalie, "It can't be...not again! Why won't you die?!"  
  
"I am back!" said Elizabeth.  
  
"Lizzy?" asked Jessica. She then slowly walked away to the lower decks.  
  
"Yes! It is I!"  
  
"I swore that great white shark ate you," Will said.  
  
"No, that shark spat me out. It didn't like the taste of corset much," Elizabeth said.  
  
"How did you find us then?" Natalie asked, even though she already knew the answer.  
  
"Remember that little island that Jack and I were stranded on? Well, while I was there, some people came looking for rum. They thought Jack had a storage of rum somewhere hidden. But, I had burned the rum last time I was there with Jack for a signal fire--"  
  
"But why the rum?!" Jack wailed.  
  
"Anyways, the people found me and let me borrow one of their little boats. And now I'm back to haunt you!"  
  
"That's interesting," Jack said.  
  
Jessica came out from the lower decks dressed in Jack's costume. She then started to breakdance.  
  
"What is she doing?" asked Elizabeth.  
  
"She likes to breakdance," Natalie said. She then took out her sword and pointed it at Elizabeth's throat. She yelled, "Now!" and Jessica stopped breakdancing and helped Natalie bind Elizabeth's hands and feet together. Then they threw her into the ocean.  
  
"She'll be back," Will said.  
  
"Will, wrong script!" Natalie said.  
  
"Sorry, I was looking at the script for T3! But it's true! She'll be back! VOTE FOR AH-NOLD!"  
  
Natalie rolled her eyes. "Since when are you interested in the politics of California?"  
  
"That was a great job using Jessica's breakdancing to distract Elizabitch," Will said.  
  
"Thanks," both girls said. They then high-fived each other and began to breakdance.  
  
"Not you, too!" Will said to Natalie. He walked over to the helm where Jack was studying his compass.  
  
"Arr...we're headed towards Treasure Island now! I need to talk to a friend of mine," Jack said to Will.  
  
"Can we dig up the treasure while we're there?"  
  
"I always knew you were obsessed with treasure!" Jack said.  
  
"I am not!"  
  
"You just asked me if we could dig up the treasure!" Jack said.  
  
"Okay, so I like gold! I'm a pirate! Besides, I want to get some gold so that I could make a golden sword for Natalie!" Will said.  
  
"That's interesting."  
  
"Natalie's right. That's like the only thing you ever say!"  
  
"Tell the crew to set the sails! There's a great wind coming!"  
  
Will went back to where he'd left Natalie and Jessica.  
  
"How dare you leave me here to watch that pscyho!" Natalie nearly yelled.  
  
"What did she do?"  
  
"She's running around saying random things! They're really scary!"  
  
"I like it when the Teletubbies run around wearing purple sequin tube tops singing "It's a Small World" while they eat toast!" Jessica screamed.  
  
"Okaaay then!" Will said.  
  
"They stoles it from me! And we wants it back!" Jessica started to yell.  
  
"What did they steal from you?" Natalie asked.  
  
"My Preciousss! Ahhh!"  
  
"What's your 'Precious?'" Natalie asked.  
  
"Rum!" Jessica replied.  
  
"I should have known," Will said. He turned to Natalie and said, "Anyways, Jack wants us to help the crew.  
  
Natalie nodded and went with Will. Jessica was all alone. She smiled to herself. This was her chance to drink the wine while no one was there to guard it. She snuck down into the storage deck and went over to the cabinet. To her dismay, she found that there was a combination lock on it. She started to try out different combinations.  
  
Twenty minutes later...  
  
Jessica had now given up on the combination. She sat down on a stool and stared at the cabinet. Something caught her eye. Carved on the cabinet door was some numbers. It was 4-14-28. Jessica got up and tried it on the lock. To her amazement, it opened. She grabbed a bottle of red wine and drank it greedily. After drinking her fill, she went back up onto the main deck. She started to breakdance.  
  
Natalie and Will finally finished helping the crew. As they walked back towards the staircase, they saw Jessica swagger out if it and start to breakdance.  
  
"I like red wine!"  
  
"Not again," Will said.  
  
"She's crazy!" Natalie said. She and Will both exchanged glances that both said the same thing, "What the hell?!" They knew that this quest was going to be a very, very, very long trip. 


	5. Where Does Jessica Get All of Her Costum...

Disclaimer: I do not own anything that has to do with "Pirates of the Caribbean". Sadly, I do not own Orlando Bloom or Johnny Depp. I do not own any thing (Legolas) in Lord of the Rings, either. The only person I do own is Natalie (myself)  
  
********************  
  
Natalie and Will reset the combination lock so that Jessica would not be able to get in the wine cabinet again. This time, Natalie memorized the combination, unlike Jack, who had foolishly carved it on the cabinet door.  
  
"What is the combination?" Jack asked Natalie.  
  
"I cannot say. I am not supposed to let anyone except for Will know the combination. Besides, you always get drunk!"  
  
Jack walked away mumbling about how he can't even drink his own wine and how some psycho-woman is taking over his ship.  
  
"He'll be back," said Will.  
  
"Well, duh, there's no where else to go...we're all stuck on this ship!"  
  
"Oh!"  
  
"Blonde!"  
  
"Is that a threat?"  
  
"No...that is a fact. This is a threat!" She took out her sword and yelled, "Mexicano!" and Jessica came out dressed in a brightly colored poncho and a sombrero. She started to breakdance.  
  
"That was predictable," the parrot said.  
  
"I still have no idea where she gets these costumes from," Natalie said.  
  
"I will never tell! Ahahhaa!" Jessica spotted a rat. She threw herself at it and began to wrestle it. "By crikey! Isn't she gorgeous? This rat will make a fine hat for my new costume!"  
  
"I should have known," Will said.  
  
"How should you have known?" Natalie asked.  
  
"I dunno!"  
  
"Okaaay then!"  
  
"This is some fine rat fur," Jessica muttered under her breath. She skinned the rat with Jack's sword right in front of Natalie and Will.  
  
"That's just nasty," Natalie said.  
  
"Ahhh! My sword!" Jack shrieked.  
  
"I don't get it, how does she always get a hold of your sword?" Natalie asked.  
  
"I'll never tell! Ahahhaa!" Jessica sceamed.  
  
"Anyways, Jack, how long is it going to take us to reach Treasure Island?" Will asked.  
  
"It'll take about a week if the winds hold up," Jack replied.  
  
"And if they don't?"  
  
"Three weeks? A month? Who knows," the pirate replied.  
  
"Let us hope that we are not stuck on this ship for a month with these crazy people," the parrot said.  
  
"Who you calling a psycho?" Jessica asked it.  
  
"Well, let me think. The blonde girl that breakdances," it replied.  
  
"Well, you must be a hallucinating parrot 'cause there's no blonde girl that breakdances on this ship! Everyone has dark hair, and I'm Mexican," Jessica said.  
  
"Why does she think she's Mexican?" Will whispered to Natalie.  
  
"I dunno. She's waaaaay too white to be a Mexican. She's Scottish!" Natalie said.  
  
"That's interesting," Jack said.  
  
"Why don't you go back to steering the ship?" Natalie asked.  
  
"Fine then. I'm going to take this to the Jerry Springer Show!" Jack said.  
  
Natalie rolled her eyes. "You need help. Professional help."  
  
"You don't know me! You don't know me! Sit down, sit down! Whateva', whateva'!"  
  
"Oh no, Jack's gone ghetto," Will said.  
  
"He's beyond ghetto," Natalie said, "That's what he gets from living in that trailer park in the south side of Jamaica!"  
  
"Will, you look like new money!" Jack said.  
  
Will took a few steps away from him. "He's scaring me."  
  
"Yes. Why don't we go watch Jessica instead?" Natalie asked.  
  
"Where is Jessica?" Will asked.  
  
Natalie looked around. Jessica was no where to bee seen. She saw a trail of rat fur leading into the lower decks. "Uh oh!"  
  
Will and Natalie followed the trail of rat hairs. They finally found Jessica. She was sitting in front of the cabinet as if she was thinking of ways to get the red wine. She had already given up on the combo for the lock.  
  
"Jessica, why don't you have some water instead?" Natalie asked.  
  
Jessica turned around. Her face was chalk white and her eyes and lips were flaming red. She started to screech like a banchee. All Natalie could hear was, "I...WANT...RUM...BACK!"  
  
"Uh, Natalie, where does Jack keep the straightjackets?" Will asked.  
  
"We don't have any."  
  
"Oh."  
  
"Yeah."  
  
"We're doomed, aren't we?" Will asked.  
  
"Yeah." Natalie never took her eyes off of the sword that was lying on the stool. She watched as Jessica grabbed it and started to hack furiously at the lock. It broke finally and Jessica took out the red wine.  
  
"MUAHAHAHA!" Jessica took the wine bottles and took off running to her cabin. She sat on her cot and stared admiringly at the bottle.  
  
"She's seriously scaring me," Will said.  
  
"Same here."  
  
Jessica gave them both suspicious looks. "You're not getting any of my wine if that's what you're thinking!"  
  
"Jessica! We do not want your wine...we want Jack's wine!" Natalie said.  
  
"But that it Jack's wine," Will said.  
  
"Exactly. Jess, give the wine back to me now, and I'll let you have one glass, but just one!"  
  
Jessica stared at the wine and back to Natalie. "Arr! This be my matey's wine, so I'll be giving it to you now!" She handed Natalie the bottle. Natalie took it and poured her glass with the wine and handed it to Jessica.  
  
"Good Jessica!" Natalie said. She walked away and locked the cabinet up again with a new lock. She then went back on the deck to see what Will and Jessica were doing.  
  
Jessica was now in a straightjacket and she was, of course, breakdancing.  
  
"I thought we didn't have any straightjackets," Natalie said.  
  
"We didn't. She made that out of those rat hides!" Will said, slightly disgusted and slightly amuzed.  
  
"That just contaminated my bubble...I did not need to hear that."  
  
"Sorry. We're going to be here for a while, and we're going to be stuck with these psychopaths for a while, so we better get used to it," Will said as Jessica started to attack a rat with Jack's sword. Jack was screeching and ranting while Jessica skinned it. Natalie and Will both rolled their eyes and started to swordfight for three hours. Jessica tried to swordfight with them, but she got too distracted because Jack kept on making cute faces at her, so she walked over to him and gave him back his sword. He then smiled innocently and whacked her on the side of the head with the flat side, causing her to lose consciousness.  
  
"Arr, you be my matey, now!" the parrot said to Jack.  
  
"That's a smart parrot," Will said.  
  
"I agree," Natalie said, "Will, help me carry Jessica back to her room, we can't leave her here on the deck."  
  
"Okay." Will and Natalie both picked up Jessica and carried her all the way to her cabin. They set her on her cot and put the straightjacket back on her so that she wouldn't go all crazy when she woke up.  
  
"This room needs re-decorating!" Natalie said.  
  
"Oh no, please don't tell me about something you saw on Martha Sterwart!"  
  
"No! I hate her! I was going to say, we should have the Fab Five come over to the ship!"  
  
"The Fab Five?"  
  
"Queer Eye for the Straight Guy?" Natalie asked.  
  
"Oh! That T.V. show where five gay guys go and straighten a straight guy?"  
  
"Yes. I could just see Jack's face if we brought a bunch of gay guys on the ship to remodel and decorate it!"  
  
"He would sooooo die!"  
  
"I know. You know what though? We could just go and decorate the ship on our own! I was thinking about turning this room into a padded room, if you know what I mean."  
  
"Haha! I know. Your friend is crazy!"  
  
"Yeah, lately, her with her breakdancing has scared me! I think Jack must have spiked her drink!"  
  
"Well, he must spike all of her drinks all the time for her to be like that!"  
  
"Nah, she just likes a lot of attention. That's so strange though...she used to hate being the center of attention!"  
  
"Let's go help the crew!"  
  
"Okay!" Natalie said.  
  
They helped the crew with the sails. Natalie went into the captain's cabin and turned on the T.V. She sat down on the couch and started to watch Survivor in the Pearl Islands.  
  
"Who got voted off?" Will asked as he saw the credits rolling on the screen.  
  
"They just voted off Skinny Ryan!" Natalie said.  
  
"They should have Survivor on that one island that Jack was on!"  
  
"Yeah. Oh! Look! Darkwing Duck is on!"  
  
"Oooh!"  
  
Everyone, except for Jessica went into the captain's cabin and watched the Darkwing Duck show. When it ended, Jessica walked into the room and started to scream.  
  
"I missed the Care Bears!" she cried.  
  
"Care Bears?" Natalie asked.  
  
"Yes!"  
  
"Okaaay...I'm going to pretend that I just did not witness Jessica say that she likes to watch the Care Bears!"  
  
"They're hella cool!"  
  
"Right."  
  
"Oh well...I can always watch Spongebob Squarepants!"  
  
Natalie and Will both exchanged glances that said the same thing, "This is going to be a long quest." 


	6. The Queen of Seaweed Stew vs Michael Jac...

Disclaimer: I do not own anything that has to do with "Pirates of the Caribbean". Sadly, I do not own Orlando Bloom or Johnny Depp. I do not own any thing (Legolas) in Lord of the Rings, either. The only person I do own is Natalie (myself)  
  
********************  
  
Jessica watched the Care Bears while everyone else got together and started to put padding on the walls. Natalie had found Jessica's stash of rat skins, so she gave them to the guys and they nailed them to the walls. Luckily, there was a Care Bear marathon on T.V., so they had plenty of time. Plus, they had sent a guard to make sure that Jessica did not walk in as they decorated her room.  
  
Seven hours later...  
  
Jessica finally finished watching her Care Bears marathon. She got up and stalked along the deck, searching for rats. She had Jack's sword in her hand, ready to slay rats.  
  
"Here ratties! Come to Auntie Jessica!"  
  
"By crikey! Don't you ever do anything normal?" the parrot yelled at her.  
  
Jessica stopped calling to the rats and seemed to be glaring daggers at the parrot. She then looked at the sword in her hand and then smiled nastily.  
  
"Here birdy! Come to Auntie Jessie!" She took the sword and started to swing it above her head  
  
The parrot squacked loudly and then took off. He went under the deck to find his master.  
  
"Dang it! I woulda liked to have some of those nice feathers for my costumes!" Jessica muttered under her breath. She shrugged her shoulders and said, "Oh well!"  
  
She continued her hunt for rats, while Natalie and Will finished padding the room. The other crew members were having dinner that Jack had cooked.  
  
"Arr...this stew be tasting like dirt!" Gibbs said.  
  
"Don't let Cap'n Jack hear that! He'll make ya walk the plank!" said another pirate.  
  
Natalie and Will walked into the room and asked them what was for dinner.  
  
"Stew," replied Gibbs. He lowered his voice and then said, "Don't eat it...it tastes like dirt!"  
  
"Like dirt?!" Will asked.  
  
"That's disgusting!" Natalie said.  
  
"Here, have a bite!" Gibbs said. He gave them each a spoon. They looked at each other as if saying, "I hope it doesn't taste that bad!" and then they both took a sip of the stew.  
  
"It does taste like dirt!" Will exclaimed.  
  
"Who made it?" Natalie asked, even though she already knew what the answer was.  
  
"I DID!" Jessica said as she ran into the room.  
  
"You did not!" Jack screamed at her. "I did!""  
  
"I MADE THE STEW!" Jessica screamed. She then took the pot of the stew out of Jack's hands and took a sip of it from the ladle. At first, she had a face that looked like she had just eaten the worst thing in the world. And then she spat the stuff on the ground and nearly threw the pot back into Jack's arms.  
  
"You can keep it!" Jessica gagged. "It tastes like dirt!"  
  
"WHAT?! HOW DARE YOU INSULT MY EXCELLENT CULINARY SKILLS!" Jack screamed.  
  
"Well, it's true!" Will said.  
  
"I don't think he washed the potatoes!" Natalie whispered to Will.  
  
"Yeah, I agree."  
  
"It needs some rum," Jessica said.  
  
Jack jumped onto the table, knocking off many plates, and screamed in a voice that sounded like Beavis from the 'Beavis and Butthead Show', "I AM THE QUEEN OF SEAWEED STEW!" He then attempted to jump from his table to the other one, but he tripped and fell to the floor.  
  
"MUAHAHAHAHAHA!" he exclaimed. "I am an eagle!"  
  
"Okaaay then!" Natalie said. "Someone forgot their prozac and ritalin! First of all, he's the Queen of seaweed stew, and second, he thinks he's an eagle."  
  
"But why's the rum gone?!" Jack cried. He threw himself on the floor and started to breakdance.  
  
"HELL YEAH!" Jessica said. She ran out of the room, and ten seconds later, she was in her newest costume. It was a Santa Clause suit even with the red cap. She began to breakdance also.  
  
Natalie rolled her eyes. She then went to go out of the room, but then something caught her eye. There was water on the floor near the T.V.  
  
"Uh...Will? Jack? Gibbs?" she asked.  
  
"What?" asked Will.  
  
"Why's all that water near the T.V.?" Natalie pointed to the puddle.  
  
"Dunno," replied Gibbs.  
  
Suddenly, an image of a well showed on the T.V. And then something started to climb out of it. It was a girl. Her long, dark hair was hiding her face. She walked closer to the screen, until she came out of the T.V.  
  
"Whoa!" Will said.  
  
"Okaaay then...I'm going to pretend that I just did not witness a girl come out of our T.V.!" Natalie said.  
  
"Seven days..." whispered the girl.  
  
"Uh...who are you looking for?" Will asked.  
  
"Rachel..."  
  
"Wrong movie, Samara....this is Dude, Where's My Rum?!"  
  
"Oh...well...I need to go kill Rachel now! Remember...make copies of my movie and you shall be spared from my wrath!" Samara whispered. She then went back into the T.V. and it shut off.  
  
"That was really random," Natalie said.  
  
Jessica stopped breakdancing and said, "What did I miss?"  
  
Everyone just stared and then went back to eating their seaweed stew that tasted like dirt.  
  
"Why is there water all around the T.V.?" asked Jessica.  
  
No one said anything. They just ignored her comment.  
  
"MUAHAHAHA! I am invisible!" Jessica exclaimed. She started to breakdance.  
  
"What the...?" Will asked.  
  
"I dunno. I think we're all going psycho...we've been on this ship for too long!" Natalie said.  
  
"Only for seven days..." said Samara.  
  
"I thought she went back in the T.V.," said Jack.  
  
"I guess not. What do you want now, Samara?" Natalie asked.  
  
"I want Rachel. She has watched the video. I must kill her now, and then I'll kill her son later since he watched it, too. I want to hurt people, and I'm sorry; it won't stop!"  
  
"Whoa...the girl came out of the T.V.!" Jessica said.  
  
"You're really slow...I've been here for like a while now!" Samara whisered.  
  
"GO AWAY AND NEVER COME BACK!" Jessica screeched. "YOU STOLE MY PRECIOUSSS! AND WE WANT IT BACK!"  
  
"Okaaay then....I think I'll be leaving now." Samara took off running and jumped at the T.V. She fell backwards and got up. She jumped at the T.V. again, and fell again. She tried another time, but failed again.  
  
"What the...? Why can't I get back into the T.V.?" Samara asked herself. "Oh! I know!" She took the channel changer and switched it to channel three and then jumped into the T.V. and went back into her well.  
  
"She lives in a well?" Jessica asked.  
  
"No, her mom drowned her because she was too much trouble and was evil. She died seven days later in the well, and now her evil spirit lives on because of a video tape. When someone watches it, they die seven days later when Samara comes out of her well and out of the T.V. The faces of her victims are really disturbing to the eye. She just wanted to be heard and she still does," Natalie replied.  
  
"But why does she live in a well? There's no rum in there!" Jessica said.  
  
Natalie slapped her forehead and muttered about how no one on the ship was capable of having an intelligent conversation without mentioning rum. Everyone that is, except for Will and the parrot.  
  
And then the T.V. went on again. Samara, whose white dress-like clothes were now stained a brownish color, ran out of it. She smelled really bad, like...  
  
"YOU SMELL LIKE POO!" Jessica screamed.  
  
"Wrong channel! Dang it!" Samara said. She took the channel changer and changed it to channel four. Then she ran back into her well.  
  
"Okaaay then!" Natalie said. "Let's eat this crud and then have circle time!"  
  
"Yay! Circle time!" Jessica squealed. "I just loooooove circle time! Mommy says I'm special!"  
  
After gagging down their seaweed stew that tasted like dirt, everyone sat in a circle on the floor and had "circle time."  
  
"Okay everybody! Did you all take your ritalin?" Natalie asked.  
  
"Yay! I love my ritalin! It's yummy!" Jack squealed like a little child.  
  
"I don't take ritalin. I take the new experimental depression medication!" Jessica grinned.  
  
"Can we have our cookies and milk now?" Jack asked.  
  
"No...it's nap time!" Will said.  
  
"I agree. They can be too hyper if they don't have their nappies!" Natalie said.  
  
"I wanna see the doctor! He gives me lollipops when I visit him! Mommy says they're sugar-freeeeeeeeeee!!!" Jessica said.  
  
"Well...we don't have a doctor on this ship. You'll just have to live without the lollipops."  
  
"No lollipops?! WAAAAAHHH!" Jessica and Jack both cried.  
  
"We have some left over seaweed stew though!" Will said helpfully.  
  
"WAAAAAHHH! Me no want Jack's nasty stew. It tastes like dirt!" Jessica said.  
  
"Arr! Why are y'all dissing my stew?! It tastes yummy like my ritalin! The doctor says I'm special!"  
  
"Jack....you are special...Special Ed!" Natalie said.  
  
"MUAHAHAHAHA!" Jessica started to laugh like a psycho at this comment.  
  
"So are you!" Natalie said.  
  
Jessica stopped laughing and glared daggers at Natalie. She didn't speak after that and went back to her room.  
  
"Nap time!" Will exclaimed.  
  
"Okies! It's time for you to leave!" Natalie said. "Will will sail the ship!"  
  
"Yay!" Jack said. He started to clap and then curled up in a ball and started to suck his thumb.  
  
"Okay...Special Ed is over kiddies!" Natalie said. She kicked everyone out of the kitchen and went to wash the dishes while Will went to the helm of the ship.  
  
After an hour, Natalie went to Jessica's room to check to see if Jessica liked her padded room. She saw Jessica sitting on the floor with a sheet covering her face.  
  
"Jessica? What are you doing?" Natalie asked.  
  
"Nothing! I love Peter Pan!" said a high pitched feminine voice.  
  
"You're not my friend! Who are you?!"  
  
"But I am your friend!" the figure said.  
  
Natalie ripped the sheet off and screamed. It was not Jessica, but someone who made the blood of children run cold. Who made teenagers plug their ears. Who made adults run away screaming.  
  
"AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!" Natalie screamed.  
  
"AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!" Will screamed.  
  
"AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!" Jack screamed.  
  
"AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!" Mr. Gibbs screamed.  
  
""AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!! By crikey! It's Michael Jackson! RUUUUUUUN!" the parrot screamed.  
  
Everyone ran out of the room in different directions. Natalie went to the Captain's quarters. Will went to the kitchen. Mr. Gibbs when to his dormitory. The parrot flew up to the crow's nest. And Jack, being the alcoholic he is, went to the winery.  
  
Will took out his walkie-talkie and pressed the talk button. "Natalie. Jack. Gibbs. Parrot. Where are your locations?" he asked.  
  
"I'm in the Captain's quarters," Natalie replied.  
  
"I'm at the crow's nest," squacked the parrot.  
  
"I'm in my room!" Gibbs said.  
  
"I'm protecting my red wine!" Jack said.  
  
"Where are you, Will?" Natalie asked.  
  
"I'm in the kitchen."  
  
"Now, now children, don't fight over the barbie dolls!" said a high pitched feminine voice.  
  
"AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!" Natalie screamed.  
  
"AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!" Will screamed.  
  
"AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!" Jack screamed.  
  
"AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!" Mr. Gibbs screamed.  
  
""AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!! By crikey! Michael Jackson has a walkie-talkie, too!" the parrot screamed.  
  
Will ran to the Captain's quarters. He had his sword ready in case he met Michael on his way. He got to the door and started to bang on it.  
  
Natalie gasped as she heard someone bang on the door. She thought right away that it was Michael coming to get her. She drew out her sword that Will had made for her and slowly walked to the door. She peered behind the curtains of the window and saw it was Will. And then she saw something else. Michael Jackson was running towards him.  
  
"LET ME IN!" Will cried. Natalie obeyed and pulled him inside and locked the door. She did it at the right time, because one second later, Michael was pounding at the door.  
  
"Where's everyone else?" Natalie asked Will.  
  
"Dunno. Where'd Jessica go? Do you think that Michael has already gotten her?"  
  
"Let's hope not. That would scar any child for life," Natalie replied.  
  
The pounding on the door continued. And then it stopped and an envelope slid under the door. It was labeled "To: Natalie and Will." Will picked it up and opened the letter and read it. He frowned.  
  
"What does it say?"  
  
"It says, 'Come to Neverland with me!'" Will replied.  
  
"That child molester!" Natalie opened the curtain and gave Michael the one- fingered-salute. "There is no way I'd ever go to that place!"  
  
"Yeah, same here!" Will yelled at the freak. Michael grinned and took off to the winery.  
  
Natalie hurried to the megaphone in Jack's closet. She opened the door and started to yell into the megaphone.  
  
"CREW! THIS IS NATALIE SPEAKING! LOCKDOWN! LOCKDOWN! THERE IS A PSYCHOPATH ON THE LOOSE! I REPEAT, LOCKDOWN! EVERYONE GET TO THE MEETING SPOT! DRAW YOUR SWORDS!" She grabbed Will and headed to the meeting spot. The destination had been chosen by Jack. Being the freak he was, he made the meeting spot the privy.  
  
Everyone crammed into the little bathroom. Natalie and Will had been the first to make it there. Then Jack appeared and soon the others. Jessica had also come. Although, no one knew where she had been previous to the lockdown. They could hear singing in the hallways of the ship.  
  
"A-B-C, it's easy as 1-2-3!" Michael sang.  
  
"AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!" Natalie screamed.  
  
"AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!" Will screamed.  
  
"AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!" Jack screamed.  
  
"AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!" Mr. Gibbs screamed.  
  
""AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!! By crikey! Michael Jackson is singing! Everyone put in your earplugs!" the parrot screamed.  
  
Everyone reached into their pockets and took out earplugs. Jessica took out some rat skins and shoved them up her ears and nose.  
  
"Uh...Jessica, why are you shoving rat skins up your nose?" asked Will.  
  
"Because I can smell the stench of Michael Jackson. He approaches!" Jessica said quietly.  
  
Soon enough, everyone was holding their noses. A foul stench filled the privy...even though it had been smelly enough. It smelled like a skunk that had been run over and left on the side of the road for a month.  
  
"Ugh!" Natalie muttered. "The smell of Michael Jackson! Jessica, can I borrow some of those rat skins?"  
  
Jessica handed everyone rat skins, and they all covered their noses with it.  
  
"I got an idea!" Natalie finally cried out after an hour.  
  
"What?!" Everyone asked.  
  
"Everyone draw your swords! I have some clips in my pocket...we can clip these rat skins to our noses so we can't smell, and we have earplugs so we can't hear his singing. We'll do what we did to Elizabeth...we'll throw him overboard!" she replied.  
  
Everyone agreed and took a clip from her. They all took out their swords and ran out of the privy. They ran around and searched for Michael. Jack was the one who found him. He started to cry out loud. Michael was drinking his precious red wine.  
  
"AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!" Natalie screamed.  
  
"AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!" Will screamed.  
  
"AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!" Jack screamed.  
  
"AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!" Mr. Gibbs screamed.  
  
"AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!! By crikey! Michael Jackson is drinking Jack's wine! No one can do that!" the parrot screamed.  
  
Jack went all red and started to battle Michael. Michael's singing made Jack fall over and start to cry in horror.  
  
"Jack's down!" Natalie said. "Let's get him!" They took off after Michael and bound his hands and feet together. Then they carried him up to the deck and put him on the plank. They gave Jack the honor of rolling him off the plank by kicking him.  
  
"MUAHAHAHAHA!" Jack cried. He kicked Michael off the plank. Everyone could hear a splash as Michael fell into the ocean.  
  
"He'll be back!" Will said.  
  
"WILL! NO MORE TERMINATOR QUOTES!" Natalie yelled.  
  
"You need to chill out!" Will said.  
  
"No more quotes from any of Arnold Schwarzenegger's movies!"  
  
Will pouted and went to his room. Natalie stayed on the upper deck and decided to sweep it. Jessica and Jack both took sips from the bottle of red wine that they had taken out of Michael's hand. The rest of the crew was tending to the sails.  
  
All of a sudden, a grappling hook came up onto the deck on caught on the rail. A person in a cloak climbed up it.  
  
"Don't you ever die?" Natalie asked since she already knew who it was.  
  
"Well...no," replied Elizabeth.  
  
"Lizzy? How did you get here?" Jessica asked.  
  
"Remember that little island that Jack and I were stranded on? Well, while I was there, some people came looking for rum. They thought Jack had a storage of rum somewhere hidden. But, I had burned the rum last time I was there with Jack for a signal fire--"  
  
"We get the idea!" Natalie said.  
  
"Anyways, I am back! MUAHAHAHAHA!" Elizabeth said.  
  
"Not for long!" Natalie said. She took out her sword and came running at Elizabeth. Elizabeth walked backwards, but she was now cornered against the rail. She turned and saw the ocean. While she did this, Natalie and Jessica picked up her feet and Elizabeth fell overboard."  
  
"Woman overboard!" the parrot said. "But no one cares cuz she's evil and wears a corset!"  
  
"She'll be back," Will said.  
  
"Must we go over this again?" Natalie asked. "No more Arnold quotes! And when did you come out of your room?"  
  
Will kept quiet for a few seconds and then started to quote from Arnold's movies.  
  
Everyone laughed and went back to work, fixing the sails to catch the wind. They were nearing Treasure Island and would be there any day. 


	7. Of Terminator Quotes and Weddings

Disclaimer: I do not own anything that has to do with "Pirates of the Caribbean". Sadly, I do not own Orlando Bloom or Johnny Depp. I do not own any thing (Legolas) in Lord of the Rings, either. The only person I do own is Natalie (myself)  
  
Nat: Hey everyone, I'm truly sorry I haven't posted lately, but while I was on Spring break in England, my dad got a virus on my computer, so I had to get the whole thing reformatted, good thing I saved this fanfic to a floppy disk just incase!  
  
********************  
  
As everyone finished setting the sails, Natalie started to sing to "Yo Ho Yo Ho a Pirate's Life for Me." Will, Jack, and Jessica sang with her.  
  
"Yo ho,yo ho, a pirate's life for me.  
  
We pillage, we plunder, we rifle, and loot  
  
Drink up, me 'earties, yo ho.  
  
We kidnap and ravage and don't give a hoot,  
  
Drink up me 'earties, yo ho. Yo ho, yo ho, a pirates's life for me.  
  
We extort, we pilfer, we filch, and sack  
  
Drink up, me 'earties, yo ho.  
  
Maraud and embezzle, and even high-jack,  
  
Drink up, me 'earties, yo ho.  
  
Yo ho, yo ho, a pirate's life for me.  
  
We kindle and char, inflame and ignite,  
  
Drink up, me 'earties, yo ho.  
  
We burn up the city, we're really a fright,  
  
Drink up, me 'earties, yo ho. We're rascals, scoundrels, villans, and knaves,  
  
Drink up, me earties, yo ho.  
  
we're devils, black sheep, and really bad eggs,  
  
Drink up, me 'earties, yo ho. Yo ho, yo ho, a pirate's life for me  
  
We're beggars and blighters, ne'er-do-well cads,  
  
Drink up, me 'earties, yo ho.  
  
Aye, but we're loved by our mommies and dads,  
  
Drink up, me 'earties, yo ho. Yo ho, Yo ho, a pirate's life for me!"  
  
"I love that song!" Jessica said.  
  
"Me too. I remember telling Elizabeth, on that godforsaken island, that I would teach my whole crew to sing it, and we'd sing it all the time," Jack said. He then went back to the bridge of the ship.  
  
One hour later...  
  
"Are we there yet?" Natalie asked.  
  
"No," Jack said.  
  
"Are we close to being there yet?"  
  
"Not really."  
  
"Are we almost close to being there yet?"  
  
"Not really."  
  
"Are we there yet?"  
  
"No."  
  
"Are we there now?"  
  
"FOR THE LAST TIME...NO!" Jack screamed. "Don't you ever shut up?!"  
  
"No," Natalie said.  
  
"Well...go talk to someone else...I need to concentrate on my compass!"  
  
"It doesn't even work!"  
  
"I don't care....go away!"  
  
"Fine then!" Natalie stormed away and found Jessica.  
  
"Hey Nat!" Jessica said.  
  
"Are we there yet?" Natalie asked.  
  
"I dunno."  
  
"Are we close to being there yet?"  
  
"I dunno."  
  
"Are we almost close to being there yet?"  
  
"I dunno."  
  
"Are we there yet?"  
  
"I dunno."  
  
"Are we there now?"  
  
"I dunno!"  
  
"Are we there yet?"  
  
"FOR THE LAST TIME...I DUNNO!" Jessica screamed. "Don't you ever shut up?!"  
  
"No."  
  
"Well...go talk with someone else!" Jessica then started to breakdance to ignore Natalie.  
  
"Fine then!" Natalie stormed away to her room to find her cell phone.  
  
It didn't take her long to find her cell phone. She searched her phonebook and decided to call her friend Anthony up.  
  
"Hello?"  
  
"Can you hear me now?" Natalie asked.  
  
"Yeah," Anthony said.  
  
"Good."  
  
"What did you want?"  
  
"I'm bored! I'm stuck on this ship with a bunch of psychos."  
  
"Why?"  
  
"We're on a search for--" Natalie got cut off by Anthony.  
  
"Rum?!" he asked.  
  
"Yeah...why?"  
  
"I can't find any rum either!"  
  
"Hey, why don't you join the crew of the Black Pearl? You can accompany us on our trip to find the rum!"  
  
"Okay! I'll be there in twenty minutes!"  
  
"Okay, bye!"  
  
"Bye!"  
  
Natalie hung up the phone wondering how the heck Anthony was going to get on the ship.  
  
Twenty mintues later...  
  
Natalie and the parrot sat up on the deck looking for any signs of Anthony. A while had passed. Suddenly, a shimmer appeared in the sky. A disk-shaped object hovered over the ship.  
  
"By crikey! It's a flying saucer!" the parrot shrieked.  
  
A green beam appeared and a guy fell from it and hit the deck hard. Natalie ran over to the person and poked them with a CD that was glued on to a five foot long candy cane.  
  
"What the...?" the guy asked.  
  
"Anthony!" Natalie said. "You're here!"  
  
"What's the candy cane for?"  
  
"I dunno!"  
  
"Okaaay then!"  
  
"Why did the aliens drop you off here?"  
  
"Because they told me that I was too mentally challenged to be taken back to their experimental laboratories...whatever that means!" he said cheerfully.  
  
At that comment, Natalie started to laugh hysterically. And the parrot said, "By crikey! That means that you were too stupid for them!"  
  
"Who is this?" Anthony asked as he pointed at the parrot.  
  
"This is our parrot of the Black Pearl," Natalie said.  
  
"I don't like him."  
  
"Well, I don't like you!" The parrot screamed and then flew above Anthony and pooped on the football that Anthony had brought.  
  
"AHHHHHH! MY FOOTBALL! WHY THAT LITTLE..."  
  
"ANTHONY!" Jessica screamed. She took out a paper crane and threw it at him.  
  
"What was that for?" he asked.  
  
"I dunno," Jessica replied.  
  
"Okaaay then!"  
  
"Anyways...we're all on a search for--" Natalie started.  
  
"RUM!" Anthony screamed.  
  
"Uh...yeah!"  
  
"Guess what! I'm going to marry Jack Sparrow!" Jessica said randomly.  
  
"Okaaay then!"  
  
"I know. I'm Will's fiancé now!" Natalie said showing Anthony a gold ring that had a golden skull and crossbones on it. There were diamonds for the eye sockets.  
  
"I LOVE THAT RING!" Jessica said. She decided to go find Jack and bother him. She swaggered around the deck, as if she was drunk.  
  
"Uh oh, looks like she got into the red wine again," Will said as he walked up to Anthony and shook hands. "Nice to meet another one of Natalie's friends!"  
  
"Um...I guess so," Anthony replied.  
  
"Is that a threat?" Will asked.  
  
"No, this is a threat," Natalie said. She took out her sword and yelled, "Mexicano!" and Jessica came out dressed in a brightly colored poncho and a sombrero. She started to breakdance.  
  
"That was predictable," the parrot said.  
  
"I told you she'd be back," Will said.  
  
"Um, first of all, you said that about Elizabitch. Second of all...STOP QUOTING TERMINATOR LINES!"  
  
"She's back!" Will cried. He hid behind Michael Jackson and started to whimper.  
  
"Whoa, you're right...she is back...and what the heck? So is Michael Jackson!" Natalie cried.  
  
"Come with me to Neverland!" said Michael Jackson.  
  
"AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!" Natalie screamed.  
  
"AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!" Will screamed.  
  
"AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!" Jack screamed.  
  
"AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!" Anthony screamed.  
  
""AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!! By crikey! It's Michael Jackson! RUUUUUUUN!" the parrot screamed.  
  
"I TOLD YOU HE'D BE BACK!" Will screamed at Natalie.  
  
"Okay, I'm never going to disbelieve it when you say that ever again," Natalie said.  
  
"Lizzy, how'd you get here?" Jessica asked.  
  
"Remember that little island that Jack and I were stranded on? Well, while I was there, some people came looking for rum. They thought Jack had a storage of rum somewhere hidden. But, I had burned the rum last time I was there with Jack for a signal fire--"  
  
"We get the idea!" Natalie yelled.  
  
"Humph, fine then!" Elizabeth said.  
  
"I came back to invite you to Neverland!" Michael Jackson said.  
  
"NEVER!" Natalie cried.  
  
"I'd rather break up with Jack and marry that parrot than go to Neverland!" Jessica screamed.  
  
"YEAH BABY!" Jack said.  
  
"I hate child molesters!" Anthony screamed at Michael Jackson.  
  
Anthony took his football and threw it at Michael Jackson. It hit the singer right in the face. Michael made a high-pitched girly scream and threw himself on the floor and began to sob. Anthony kicked him and tore the invitation to Neverland up right in his face.  
  
"Let's through them off the ship!" Will cried.  
  
"Yeah!" the whole crew said in unison.  
  
They tied Michael Jackson and Elizabeth's hands together and made them walk the plank.  
  
"They'll be back!" Will said.  
  
"Piiiiink dooooouuuuuuugh-nut!" Natalie said.  
  
"Huh?"  
  
"She's just being random," Jessica said.  
  
"Piiiiink dooooouuuuuuugh-nut!" Natalie nodded her head in agreement.  
  
"Piiiiink dooooouuuuuuugh-nut?" Anthony asked. "Why pink?"  
  
"I dunno!" Natalie replied.  
  
"Okaaay then!" he said. "Anyways, Jack was telling me earlier that we're really close to Treasure Island, and should be there by tomorrow morning!"  
  
"Yay!" Natalie said. "I was beginning to go insane from being stuck on this ship with all these psychopaths!"  
  
"I could tell..." Anthony muttered.  
  
"Is that a threat?" Will asked.  
  
"No, this is a threat," Natalie said. She took out her sword and yelled, "Mexicano!" and Jessica came out dressed in a brightly colored poncho and a sombrero. She started to breakdance.  
  
"That was predictable," the parrot said.  
  
"Why does Jessica like to breakdance?" Anthony asked.  
  
"I dunno, but she's hot!" said Jack.  
  
"Okaay...I'm going to pretend that I just did not witness Jack tell us that he thinks that Jessica is hot and that he likes her breakdancing!" Natalie said.  
  
"Same here," Anthony agreed.  
  
"MUAHAHAHAHA!" Jessica took off running with Jack's sword in her hand, chasing a rat.  
  
"Oh no, not again," Natalie muttered.  
  
"Ahhh! My sword!" Jack shrieked.  
  
"I don't get it, how does she always get a hold of your sword?" Natalie asked.  
  
"I'll never tell! Ahahhaa!" Jessica sceamed.  
  
"Why is she chasing that rat?" Anthony asked.  
  
"You know when she always comes out in those weird costumes and breakdances? Well, she makes all her costumes out of rat skins...I've seen her skin rats with Jack's sword many times," Natalie replied.  
  
"That's just nasty," Anthony said.  
  
"I know. After a while, you will barely even notice it! The parrot thinks she's insane, also!"  
  
"I still don't like that parrot...he pooped on my football!" Anthony pouted.  
  
"Well, let's go make some dinner...I reckon the crew is getting hungry!" Natalie said. "Anyways, after Jack's seaweed stew, I'm never going to eat a meal made by him ever again!"  
  
"Why's that?"  
  
"It tasted like dirt!"  
  
"Oh...that's gross," Anthony replied.  
  
"Yep, Will and I had to taste it...totally gross! Even Jess hated it! Anyways, let's go to the galley!"  
  
Anthony and Jessica followed Natalie to the galley. Anthony and Jessica talked for a while, while Natalie looked for a recipe.  
  
"What are you making, Nat?" Jessica asked.  
  
"Piiiiink dooooouuuuuuugh-nut!" Natalie replied.  
  
"YUM!" Jessica said. She jumped up on the table and started to breakdance. Then she took a magic 8-ball out of her pocket and threw it at Anthony.  
  
"What was that for?" he asked.  
  
"I dunno," she replied. She then jumped off the table and started to help Natalie make the doughnuts.  
  
An hour and fourty-five minutes later...  
  
Anthony had fallen asleep on the table while Natalie and Jessica unsuccessfully tried to make pink doughnuts.  
  
"DAMN THIS!" Natalie yelled.  
  
"Where's the pineapple in my backpack?" Anthony muttered in his sleep.  
  
"What the Hell?" Natalie asked.  
  
"Um, okaaay then!" Jessica said. "Anyways, I guess the doughnuts aren't turning out good...let's make something else."  
  
"Like what?!" Natalie asked.  
  
"Uh...dunno?"  
  
"Hmm...how about rice? We have all this rice!" Natalie said.  
  
"Okay!" Jessica said. She got out a pot and filled it with water while Natalie got the rice. They put the rice in the pot of water and put it on the fire and let it boil.  
  
"This will take only twenty minutes to make," Natalie said.  
  
"Yay! We should put some fried rat skins on the side!" Jessica exclaimed.  
  
"How about no?!" Natalie replied.  
  
A while later, the rice was done, and the crew came in.  
  
"Arr, this be great rice, matey!" Jack said.  
  
"It is!" Will agreed.  
  
"Jess and I made it," Natalie said.  
  
"Where is Jess?" Anthony asked.  
  
A second later, Jess came running into the galley in a white wedding dress. She started to breakdance.  
  
'Uh oh," Natalie whispered to Will. "Looks like she's ready to marry Jack..."  
  
"Jack...you told me that you'd marry you once I gave you that hat with the large feather...well, now it's time for our wedding!" Jessica exclaimed.  
  
"You're right, poppet!" Jack said. "Who wants to be the usher?"  
  
"I will!" exclaimed Mr. Gibbs.  
  
"Okay!" Jessica said.  
  
The whole crew sat in two aisles, and they all were quiet. In the back of the room, Mr. Cotton was playing the organ with the wedding music. Jessica walked down the aisle with the parrot on her shoulder. Natalie, Will, Anthony, and Jack were sitting in the front.  
  
"Waaah! I cry at weddings!" Jack said.  
  
"Um, Jack? This is your wedding!" Will said.  
  
"Oh yeah!" he jumped up and ran to Jessica and started to make out with her.  
  
"Um, Jack? You haven't done your vows yet!" Natalie said.  
  
"Oh yeah!" Jack exclaimed.  
  
"Do you, matey, take this poppet for your drunk wife?" Mr. Gibbs asked.  
  
"Arr!" Jack said.  
  
"And do you, poppet, take this matey for your drunk husband?"  
  
"Arr!" Jessica said.  
  
"I pronounce you matey and poppet! You may kiss the bride!" Mr. Gibbs said.  
  
Jack kissed Jessica, and the whole ten minutes they made out, Natalie, Will, and Anthony were crying and used the whole box of tissues.  
  
"Waaah!" Natalie said.  
  
"Waaah!" Will said.  
  
"Waaah!" Anthony said.  
  
"Weddings are sooo sad!" the parrot sobbed.  
  
"Let's throw rice at them!" said Anamaria, who was one of the only women on the crew.  
  
"Yeah!" said everyone. They took the rice out of their bowls and threw it at Jack and Jessica.  
  
"I love weddings! Drinks all around!" Jack said.  
  
"Take out the wine!" Jessica said.  
  
"YEAH!" the whole crew cheered.  
  
Mr. Gibbs and Mr. Cotton got out the red wine, and passed it all around. Everyone got drunk.  
  
"The lipgloss is only good when you wrap it in a yello scarf and put it on a green fire!" Jessica hiccuped.  
  
"Arr, that be my favorite squirrel!" Jack pointed at a wine bottle.  
  
"My bubble has been contaminated by squirrel rum!" Natalie said.  
  
"RUM?! WHERE?!" Jessica and Jack both yelled at the same time.  
  
"I dunno!" Natalie hiccuped.  
  
"Dude, where's my rum?" Will asked.  
  
"Dude, where's your rum?" Jack asked.  
  
"Dude, where's my rum?"  
  
"Dude, where's your rum?"  
  
"Dude, where's my rum?"  
  
"Dude, where's your rum?"  
  
"Dude, where's my...okay, this is getting us nowhere," said Will.  
  
"Let's go buy some rum!" Jack said.  
  
"Okay!  
  
"Why do you guys think we're on this boat in the first place?!" Natalie asked.  
  
"Boat? Boat?! BOAT?!" Jack screamed.  
  
"I meant ship!" Natalie said.  
  
"That's what I thought!" Jack said. "We're nearing Treasure Island everyone! We'll be there by tomorrow morning. I reckon we'll be there by 10:05!"  
  
"This is good news!" Jessica said. "I want to find rum!"  
  
"Aye!" Jack said. "Good news indeed! Let's all get some good sleep now! I am going to my quarters. Jack and Jessica both left the galley, leaving the rest of the crew to go to their cabins.  
  
"Anthony, we'll show you to Jessica's cabin," Natalie said. She and Will lead Anthony to Jessica's cabin.  
  
"Why does it have padded walls?" Anthony asked.  
  
"Natalie and I decided that she was a bit psycho, and we had found her stash of rat skins," Will said.  
  
"Oh, okay!"  
  
"Yeah, I don't think Jessica is going to be needing her cabin anymore..." Natalie said.  
  
"No, I don't think so either," Will agreed.  
  
"Hehe," Anthony said.  
  
"Good night!" Natalie and Will both said. They left and went back to their cabins, awaiting for the next day when they were finally going to see Blackbeard at Treasure Island, and hopefully the promise of rum. 


	8. Who and What Is Sir Quincy McFaggot?

Disclaimer: I do not own anything that has to do with "Pirates of the Caribbean". Sadly, I do not own Orlando Bloom or Johnny Depp. I do not own any thing (Legolas) in Lord of the Rings, either. The only person I do own is Natalie (myself) and the title of "Sir Quincy McFaggot", which is a real goat head that is really in my biology class. The idea of Shaniqua and her Pink Panthers group is Jessica's and my idea.  
  
Nat: Okay, just as a forewarning, there are some racist terms that Shaniqua says that may be offending towards some people, and I apologize right now for anyone who may feel offended by this. I also am going to apologize ahead of time if some people are offended by some comments that are based upon sexuality of people.  
  
In the morning, Will woke up early to the sounds of Jessica running around on the top deck chasing rats. He climbed the stairs and watched her hack at the rats with Jack's sword.  
  
"MUAHAHAHAHA!" Jessica took off running with Jack's sword in her hand, chasing a rat.  
  
"Oh no, not again," Will muttered.  
  
"Ahhh! My sword!" Jack shrieked.  
  
"I don't get it, how does she always get a hold of your sword?" Will asked.  
  
"I'll never tell! Ahahhaa!" Jessica sceamed.  
  
"What's all the commotion about?" asked Natalie.  
  
"Jess got a hold of Jack's sword again," Will replied.  
  
"Oh no, not again," Natalie said.  
  
"Wow, does she wake you guys up every morning like this?" Anthony asked.  
  
"Not all the time," Natalie replied. "But usually she does!"  
  
"Mateys, we're nearing Treasure Island! LAND HO!" Jack yelled.  
  
"Yo ho! You hoe! Pirates really like me!" Jessica sang.  
  
"She's a freak," said Will.  
  
"She's my freak!" Jack exclaimed as he started to breakdance with Jessica.  
  
"They're psychopathic," Natalie said.  
  
"Yep!" Will agreed.  
  
"Anyways..." Anthony said.  
  
"I wonder what it's like to talk like a normal person!" Jessica exclaimed. "Let's do that!"  
  
"Is that possible for you?" Will asked.  
  
Jessica's face grew red as she started to hyperventilate.  
  
"Oh no," Natalie muttered.  
  
"Jessica, I was joking!" Will said.  
  
"LIAR!" she screamed. She threw her shoe at him, and stormed off to the helm to talk with Jack.  
  
"Well, at least she didnt--" Natalie got cut off as Jessica came running back in a black gothic dress with vampire fangs and breakdanced.  
  
"--breakdance."  
  
"Okaaay then!" Will said.  
  
"I always knew that she was a vampire!" Natalie exclaimed.  
  
"That's interesting," Jack commented. "Now let's get off the ship and go find our rum!"  
  
Jack, Will, Natalie, Jessica, and Anthony all got into the little boat and were lowered into the water. They paddled to the shore.  
  
Standing on the shore was a man with a long, black beard. He wore a tri- cornered hat and had a peg leg. He also had an eye patch on his left eye.  
  
"Welcome ye scurvy dogs to Treasure Island!" said the pirate.  
  
"Blackbeard!" Jack said.  
  
"Arr! Matey, you're here!" he replied.  
  
"Mate, I'm on a quest for rum. Do you have any on this island?" Jack asked.  
  
"Let's talk about that later! Let's have a fooseball game right now!" Blackbeard exclaimed.  
  
"I LOVE FOOSEBALL! I shall kick your arse," Natalie said to Anthony.  
  
"I don't doubt it," said Will.  
  
"I'm on Jack's team!" Jessica said.  
  
On one team was Natalie, Will, and Blackbeard. And on the other was Jessica, Jack, and Anthony. They played five fooseball games, in which Natalie always won, because the other people on her team didn't even get to touch the fooseball table.  
  
"I AM THE QUEEN OF FOOSEBALL!" Natalie yelled at Anthony.  
  
"I AM THE QUEEN OF SEAWEED STEW!" Jack exclaimed.  
  
"Mateys, let's go eat some vittles! Ye look starved! Ye can tell me about yore quest that ye told me of!" Blackbeard said.  
  
The little fellowship of pirates followed Blackbeard to a little hut and sat down on the floor. Blackbeard took out some sushi from his fridge and passed it to everyone.  
  
"I FOUND NEMO!" Natalie exclaimed.  
  
"Huh?" said Anthony.  
  
"EEEWWW!" Jessica screamed.  
  
Natalie showed everyone her sushi. Inside it was a brilliant orange fish with black and white stripes. It was indeed...  
  
"NEMO!" Jack said.  
  
"Arr! I made the sushi myself!" Blackbeard was beaming.  
  
"Do we have to eat this?" Will whispered to Natalie.  
  
"Give it to Jack when no one is looking!" she whispered back.  
  
Will nodded and threw his sushi at Jack when Blackbeard wasn't looking.  
  
"So, what are ye on yore quest for?"  
  
"We're looking for rum," Will said.  
  
"Yeah, do you have any rum on Treasure Island?" Jessica asked.  
  
"Um..." Blackbeard went silent.  
  
"No? No?! NO?!" Jessica got up and started to rant and rave about how she missed her rum.  
  
"Jess...it's okay...we'll find your rum!" Natalie said to Jessica.  
  
"But I want my rum now!" Jessica said.  
  
"I know of a place that might have rum though," said Blackbeard.  
  
"Where?" Jack asked.  
  
"Sail yore ship down to Panama. Go to the Pearl Islands, and there might be some rum there!"  
  
"Okay!" Jack said.  
  
"AVAST!" Anthony yelled.  
  
Everyone stared.  
  
"Okaaay then!" Natalie said. "Let's get going!"  
  
"Thanks for the sushi!" said Anthony.  
  
"Uh...yeah," said Will and Natalie.  
  
"I'm lovin' it!" Jack said going ghetto.  
  
Jessica breakdanced in gratitude.  
  
They left Blackbeard's little hut and got back into the little row boat. They paddled back to the Black Pearl, and went back on deck.  
  
"Any sign of rum, Jack?" asked Mr. Gibbs.  
  
"No, matey, none," replied the pirate.  
  
"Where to, Captain?" asked Anamaria.  
  
"The Pearl Islands!" he said.  
  
The whole crew set sails, and got ready for departure. While they did this, Natalie was standing on the deck, sniffing the air.  
  
Sniff. Sniff...sniff...snifff...snifff...SNIFF! could be heard throughout the whole ship.  
  
"What's she sniffing?" asked Anthony to Jessica.  
  
"Yo, Nat, what is it you are smelling?" Jessica asked.  
  
"I know this smell...it's the smelly smell of the reek of the smelliest of the smelliest of all the creatures in the world..." Natalie stopped talking. She sniffed the air one more time and turned around.  
  
"So, we meet again, Sir Quincy McFaggot!" Natalie snarled.  
  
In front of Natalie stood a preserved goat head. It was black and had very long, vertical horns that kind of twisted around, but not a lot. It had a blank, staring face. Nobody could beat him at a staring contest, even if they were the best at staring contests.  
  
"Natalie, it was very kind of you and your friends Robyn and Melissa to give me that name. You three have paid me more attention than any other students I have ever crossed in a biology class...even if it is negative attention," replied the goat head in an English accent.  
  
"HISS!" Natalie hissed at Sir Quincy.  
  
"Yes, why do you hiss at me?" he questioned.  
  
"WHY ARE YOU SPEAKING?!" she yelled. "You never speak! You're a stuffed goat head that hangs on a biology room cabinet! How'd you get here?!"  
  
Sir Quincy smiled that evil goat smile that he always smiled. "I thought you'd never ask...I speak because as you and your friends sensed, I am an evil spirit thingy. As for getting here...I'll never tell..."  
  
"THAT'S MY LINE!" Jessica screamed angrily. "NO TALKING GOAT HEAD SAYS MY LINE!"  
  
"And you are?"  
  
"Your worst nightmare!" Jessica hissed.  
  
"Ah, yes, I see, you're Natalie's best friend, Jessica, am I right?"  
  
Jessica fell silent.  
  
"I must be correct!" Sir Quincy said.  
  
Jessica and Natalie both hissed at the talking goat head.  
  
"Why is it that you his at me?" he asked again.  
  
"Because! You seemed so sinister to Robyn, so she decided that we should always hiss at you. I hated how you always stared at the back of my head the whole period. So, I'd turn around and hiss at you!" Natalie replied.  
  
"I see."  
  
"I was right...you are a stalker! I always knew that either Robyn, Melissa, or I would end up being stalked by you!" Natalie said.  
  
Will tossed Natalie his sword. "Here, fight him with this!" he exclaimed.  
  
"Thanks!" Natalie wielded the sword and ran towards Sir Quincy McFaggot.  
  
Out of nowhere, a black girl dressed in a pink hooded cloak ran in front of Natalie.  
  
Natalie stopped running and stared. "What the Hell?!" she said.  
  
"Who are you?!" Will asked.  
  
"I be Shaniqua!" replied the black girl.  
  
"Shaniqua! Have you come to cheer me on?" asked Sir Quincy.  
  
"Fo sho! I jus' got back from pimpin' with ma homeboys! Ya know all dat!" she replied.  
  
"What the Hell?!" Natalie said.  
  
"Fortunately, I do understand ebonics. She said, 'Yes! I got back from pimping with my guys! You know all of that!'"  
  
Shaniqua started to breakdance.  
  
Jessica stared horrified.  
  
"What...is...she...doing?!" Jessica shrieked.  
  
"Breakdancing?" asked Anthony.  
  
"AHHHH! THAT'S MY LINE! NO ONE BUT ME BREAKDANCES!" Jessica howled. Her face was the darkest shade of purple imaginable. She kicked at Shaniqua. "You have challanged me to breakdance fight! Now you must die!"  
  
"Fine den, snow woman. I be beatin' yo ass to da sharks!" was Shaniqua's reply.  
  
"I don't care what you think...nobody is as good as me at breakdancing!" Jessica shook her finger in Shaniqua's face.  
  
"Sit down, sit down! You don' know me, you don' know me!" Shaniqua said.  
  
"Whateva', whateva!" Jessica said.  
  
"Let's take this to the Maury Show!" Jack squealed like a girl.  
  
"Snow man, I be in da Pink Pantha group! Do ya know dat?! We hatin' crackers like you!" Shaniqua replied.  
  
"NOBODY SAYS THAT TO MY HUSBAND!" Jessica screamed.  
  
Hence, Jessica and Shaniqua started their epic breakdancing battle.  
  
"So it begins...," Natalie said. "GO JESSICA!"  
  
"Natalie, I love you!" Sir Quincy said.  
  
"WHAT THE HELL?!" Natalie screamed. She was now very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very angry.  
  
"DIE FAGGOT! I have a fiancé for your information, and he's right by my side!" Natalie wielded the sword of Will and ran towards Sir Quincy McFaggot. 


	9. Shaniqua and Jessica Take It to the Jerr...

Disclaimer: I do not own anything that has to do with "Pirates of the Caribbean". Sadly, I do not own Orlando Bloom or Johnny Depp. I do not own any thing (Legolas) in Lord of the Rings, either. The only person I do own is Natalie (myself) and the title of "Sir Quincy McFaggot", which is a real goat head that is really in my biology class. I do not own any of the lyrics from Savage Garden's songs "To the Moon and Back", "A Thousand Words", or "Hold Me" either. The idea of Shaniqua and her Pink Panthers group is Jessica's and my idea.  
  
Nat: Okay, just as a forewarning, there are some racist terms that Shaniqua says that may be offending towards some people, and I apologize right now for anyone who may feel offended by this. I also am going to apologize ahead of time if some people are offended by some comments that are based upon sexuality of people.  
  
Anthony: Who do you think is going to win the breakdancing competition?  
  
Nat: No clue.  
  
Will: I think that...  
  
Nat: Don't give away the ending!  
  
Will: Okay!   
  
Nat: Anywayz...thanks everyone who reviewed my fanfic so far! I really appreciate it!  
  
As Jessica and Shaniqua were locked in a mortal combat battle of breakdancing, Natalie charged at Sir Quincy with Will's sword.  
  
"MUAHAHAHAHAHA!" Natalie swung the sword in an arc and hit Sir Quincy on the side of the head with it.  
  
"I think you'd have to do more than that if you want to kill me. Besides, I'm already dead!" he said.  
  
Natalie swung her sword again, but this time, it was blocked by Sir Quincy's horn.  
  
"So, you want to fight, eh?" Sir Quincy questioned.  
  
"Die scum!" Natalie gave him the one-fingered-salute and then swung her sword again. As she battled with Sir Quincy McFaggot, Jessica and Shaniqua were still tied in their epic breakdancing battle.  
  
"Yo snow woman, jus' give up now. Ya can't beat me. I be da bomb when it comes to breakdancin'!"  
  
"NEVER!" Jessica screamed. She started to do the worm.  
  
"I be goin' to my Pink Pantha' club afta dis, and we a gonna kick ya ass! Ya no good cracker!"  
  
"What the Hell is a Pink Panther club?" Jessica muttered.  
  
"What be da Pink Panthas?! WHAT BE DA PINK PANTHAS?!" Shaniqua screamed. "We be a club dat's hatin' snow people like you. We be like dat Black Pantha club, only we'sa high school gang dat's made outta all us homegirls. We'sa wearin' our pink bandanas and pink cloaks, can't ya see? Are ya blind or sometin' cracker?!"  
  
"I am no cracker! I'm Mexican and I live in a jail cell. And since they're out of cots, I have to sleep in a box. And you made fun of my job! My job is great! I work at the jail and pick up rats for a living! I hope you know that I make $2.01 per rat! And you ran over my box with a llama!" Jessica retorted.  
  
Shaniqua blinked. "What da...?"  
  
"Yeah, that's what I thought!" Jessica said.  
  
"Let's take this to the Jerry Springer Show!" Jack squealed.  
  
"Yeah! We'll settle both of your disputes on that show!" Will said to Jessica, Shaniqua, Sir Quincy McFaggot, and Natalie.  
  
"Okay!" everyone said.  
  
Luckily, the Jerry Springer Show was being hosted on a nearby island, so Jack steered the ship to it. The crew helped him tie the Black Pearl up to the dock. Everyone walked into the building on the island.  
  
Steve, one of Jerry's bodyguard dudes greeted them inside. "Welcome to the Jerry Springer Show. Do whatever you want on stage!" he said.  
  
"Okay!" Jessica said.  
  
"And our next guests are here from Port Royal," Jerry Springer announced. "Everyone, welcome our guests, the crew of the Black Pearl and some of their enemies!"  
  
Jessica, Shaniqua, Natalie, Sir Quincy, Jack, Will, and Anthony all walked onto the stage.  
  
Jack immediately started to squeal like a little girl and fainted. Jessica breakdanced. Natalie and Will made out.  
  
"Um...why are you here?" Jerry asked.  
  
"Jerry, I am here to prove to dis snow woman dat I am da bomb when it comes to breakdancin', and no one is good as me!" Shaniqua said.  
  
"And, I am here to tell Sir Quincy to back off!" Natalie said.  
  
"Well, this looks like this show's going to be entertaining!" Jerry said.  
  
The audience laughed.  
  
"Well, Jessica and Shaniqua, you guys can go first," Jerry said. "Okay, how about this, they breakdance, and we decide who's the best?"  
  
"Yes! Yes! Yes!" the audience said.  
  
Jessica went first. She breakdanced as best as she could. The audience clapped in delight.  
  
When Shaniqua went, the audience started to boo and chant: "Go to Oprah! GO TO OPRAH!"  
  
"So, who do you think is the best breakdancer?" Jerry finally asked.  
  
"JESSICA! JESSICA! JESSICA!" they chanted in unison.  
  
"Well, I believe we have a winner! Jessica is officially the queen of breakdancing!" Jerry said. "Okay, now on to Natalie and..." Jerry blinked and stared at the name on his script. "...Sir Quincy McFaggot?"  
  
"Yes, that's my name," the goat head said.  
  
"Okaaay then! Why are you two here?" Jerry Springer asked.  
  
"Because Sir Quincy is a stalker!" Natalie said.  
  
"I am not!"  
  
"Then how come you were on the ship?!" Natalie asked.  
  
"I...I..." Sir Quincy fell silent.  
  
"STALKER!" the audience bellowed. "GO TO OPRAH!"  
  
"Let's settle this now!" Natalie yelled. She took Will's sword and ran towards Sir Quincy. None of the bodyguards even tried to stop her. She hacked viciously at the talking goat head.  
  
"Get off me fiend!" Sir Quincy screamed.  
  
"MUAHAHAHAHAHA!" was Natalie's reply. She raised the sword to make the final blow.  
  
"STOP!" two girls shouted.  
  
Natalie turned around to see her two friends, Robyn and Melissa. Robyn was also known as "The Beast" because Melissa had given her that name. Contrary to what Melissa and Natalie said, Robyn did not have a giant unibrow that rose over her head like a giant square, and neither did she have a great cape made out of her own long hair. She was an ordinary girl that had short, light brown hair with hazel eyes. Melissa had long, wavy blonde hair and blue eyes. They were both running towards the stage with scalpels in their hands.  
  
"Robyn? Melissa? What are you doing here?" Natalie asked.  
  
"We just got back from Mr. Braly's biology class, and we noticed that Sir Quincy McFaggot was not in his usual spot on the cabinets, so we grabbed some scalpels and ran as fast as we could to the Jerry Springer Show," Robyn said.  
  
"I like crap," Melissa said.  
  
"That's lovely," said the undistinguishable form of Sir Quincy.  
  
"AHHHH! HE TALKS?!" Robyn screamed. She took her scalpel and started to stab the talking goat head.  
  
"KICKASS!" Melissa said. She began to stab Sir Quincy also.  
  
Natalie took the other scalpel from Robyn and helped them torture Sir Quincy McFaggot. Everyone else watched in horror as the three girls mutated the screaming form of Sir Quincy, until his screams were nothing more but muffled hisses. And then it faded into silence. He was dead...again.  
  
Natalie stood up in victory and started to breakdance alongside Jessica.  
  
"Hell yeah!" Jack said. He started to breakdance with them. Will soon joined them in their breakdancing group. Soon enough, Jessica, Natalie, Jack, Will, Robyn, and Melissa were all breakdancing in victory.  
  
While they did this, Anthony was staring in a mirror in utter horror. He started to screech.  
  
"AHHHH!" he screamed. He ran around in circles for nearly a whole minute and then went up on the stage and said, "SOMEBODY POP MY PIMPLE!"  
  
The whole building seemed to be silent. Natalie started to crack up hysterically and broke into song:  
  
"More than angry words I hate this silence  
  
It's getting so loud  
  
Well I want to scream  
  
But bitterness has silenced these emotions  
  
It's getting hard to breathe..."  
  
She laughed again and smiled wickedly. "MUAHAHAHAHAHA! Savage Garden's music rocks!" she said.  
  
"Okaaay then!" Jerry Springer said.  
  
"Will you pop my pimple?" Anthony said to Jerry. He pointed at a huge zit on his forehead between his eyes.  
  
"Um...no!" Jerry said.  
  
"Will you pop my pimple?" Anthony asked Melissa and Robyn.  
  
"NO!" Robyn screamed.  
  
"Ooh! A piece of crap!" Melissa said. She picked it up and put it in her pocket. "I'm gonna save this for later!" she said.  
  
"Will you pop my pimple?" Anthony asked Jack and Will.  
  
"NEVER!" they both said.  
  
"Jessica...?" Anthony asked.  
  
"Hell no!" was her reply.  
  
"Natalie, will you pop my pimple?" Anthony asked.  
  
"You could resurrect a thousand words to deceive me more and more  
  
A thousand words will give the reasons why I don't need you anymore  
  
I'll say the words out loud. I'll say a thousand words or more  
  
Manipulation. Fabrication.  
  
Conversation. Annihilation  
  
I'll say a thousand words or more  
  
Damnation. Frustration. Elevation. Procreation.  
  
I'll say a thousand words or more..."  
  
Anthony gave her a confused look and then asked Shaniqua.  
  
"Snow man, I no be a popin' no wan's pimples...got dat?!" she said.  
  
Anthony stuck his tongue out at her and walked around asking people in the audience to pop his pimple.  
  
And out of the middle of nowhere, a dude with a brown mullet came running onto the stage.  
  
"Mullet Matt?" Jessica asked.  
  
The mulleted guy nodded and said, "I shalt popeth thy pimple!"  
  
Anthony grinned and said, "YAY!"  
  
Mullet Matt ran up to Anthony, popped the pimple, and ran out of the building randomly laughing.  
  
"Okaaay...that was really random!" Natalie announced.  
  
"Aye, it was!" Jack said.  
  
"What da...?" Shaniqua said. "Snow peeps," she muttered to herself.  
  
"First of all, I would like to take this opportunity to thank all of you for being on my show," Jerry Springer said. He shook everyone's hands and then went to his little corner to do the "final thought" part of the show.  
  
"You may not always think that you are being stalked by someone who seems to be dead, but don't always be so naïve...you can always be stalked by a random talking goat head. Paranoia is not a rare thing to have when you have been stuck on a pirate ship for more than a month or two. What our guests have shown today is that pirates are not in the right state of mind, even if their main drink has been taken away from them. This drink being rum. Also, do not always go around telling people that you are the best at something, because that will always go back and stab you in the back. 'Till next time, take care of yourself and each other," Jerry Springer said to the camera.  
  
"RUM?!" the whole crew of the Black Pearl nearly screamed. They took off running out of the building and got back into the ship. They untied it from the dock and started to said back towards the Pearl Islands.  
  
"I would fly to the moon and back if you'll be...  
  
If you'll be my baby  
  
Got a ticket for a world where we belong  
  
So would you be my baby?" Natalie sang. She took out an electric blue toothbrush with rubber duckies on it and threw it at Anthony.  
  
"What was that for?" he asked.  
  
"I dunno!" Natalie said.  
  
"Okaaay then!" he said.  
  
"We're heading straight towards the Pearl Islands!" Will announced as he appeared from the captain's quarters. "I talked to Jack, and he's keen on finding the rum."  
  
"Yay!" Jessica said. She breakdanced, of course, in excitement.  
  
"That was really random today when Mullet Matt popped Anthony's pimple!" Natalie said.  
  
"Yeah it was," Jessica agreed.  
  
"My pimple went bye-bye!" Anthony said.  
  
"Okaaay then!" Natalie said.  
  
"That's gross!" Jessica exclaimed.  
  
"I agree," Natalie nodded.  
  
"Anything new?" asked Will.  
  
"No," Jessica said.  
  
"Same here...well...Mullet Matt popped my pimple!" Anthony replied. He then walked away.  
  
"I suspect that the aliens are taking over the Congo Republic!" Natalie exclaimed.  
  
"Okaaay then!" Will said.  
  
"Do you know the Muffin man?" Jessica asked.  
  
"The Muffin Man?" asked Will.  
  
"The Muffin Man."  
  
"Yes, I know the Muffin Man who lives on Drury Lane," Will replied.  
  
"Well, she's married to the Muffin Man."  
  
"The Muffin Man?!"  
  
"THE MUFFIN MAN!"  
  
"She's married to the Muffin Man..."  
  
"Will, stop being weird and look at this!" Jack yelled across the ship.  
  
"What is it?" Will asked. He went to where Jack was standing horrified. Natalie and Jessica followed.  
  
"What the Hell?!" Natalie said.  
  
Jack, Will, Natalie, and Jessica both stared at Anthony who was completely oblivious to them. He looked like he was hitting on himself in the mirror.  
  
"How you doin'?" Anthony asked his mirror image.  
  
He grinned at the mirror image, which grinned back. He then leaned into the mirror and started to make out with his twin in the mirror.  
  
"EWWW!" Jessica screamed.  
  
"What the Hell?!" Natalie yelled.  
  
"Like, oh my god!" Jack squealed.  
  
"Wow, he has issues!" Will said.  
  
Anthony stopped in mid-makeout with himself and turned to see everyone staring at him. He turned bright red and muttered, "You never saw that!"  
  
"I think Anthony came out of the closet..." Natalie said.  
  
Anthony then tackled Natalie and told her to take it back. Jessica, seeing this, took out a rusty spork and began to saw at Anthony's arm. He stared at her and then got up and walked off muttering about how he hated eating utensils.  
  
"Wow, that was random," Natalie said as she got up and dusted herself off.  
  
"Yeah, it was," Jessica agreed.  
  
Natalie took a sandwich out of her pocket and sniffed it.  
  
"That was random, too," Will said.  
  
"So is this!" Jessica took out a can of her favorite soda, Diet Vanilla Coke, and began to breakdance with it on her head.  
  
Out of nowhere, a very skinny girl with light blonde hair came running towards Natalie and Jessica yelling, "FOOD!" She leapt at the sandwich and bit into it. She swiped the Diet Vanilla Coke can off of Jessica's head, then took off with the sandwich in her mouth, and jumped off the plank and into a small yellow raft and floated away.  
  
"That was, again, VERY RANDOM!" Natalie said.  
  
"My sandwich!" Natalie complained. "Chelsey ate my sandwich!"  
  
"Chelsey?" asked Will.  
  
"Yeah, she's our friend from when we went to school!" Natalie said. "She loves to eat, and she's really skinny!"  
  
"Okaaay then!" Jack said.  
  
Jessica stormed off to the galley to get another Diet Vanilla Coke. Jack went back to sailing his ship, and Natalie and Will went to check on Anthony to make sure that he was okay.  
  
During this time, the Black Pearl drew closer to the Pearl Islands... 


	10. Truly Madly Deeply

> > > > > Disclaimer: I do not own anything that has to do with "Pirates of the Caribbean". Sadly, I do not own Orlando Bloom or Johnny Depp. I do not own any thing (Legolas) in Lord of the Rings, either. The only person I do own is Natalie (myself) and the title of "Sir Quincy McFaggot", which is a real goat head that is really in my biology class. I don't own the song "Truly Madly Deeply" or it's title...I just used it as the title for chapter 10! And, yes, I actually do like to listen to Savage Garden, and if you don't like their music, you can go shove a pineapple up your ass!   
  
Nat: Heehee...another random chapter for my random audience! Sorry I haven't posted lately, but I hadn't been inspired enough to write until I listened to Darren Hayes's new song "Popular", so you can thank him for helping me be inspired enough to write! Review, review, review! ¡Por favor!  
  
By the way...I was reading some of my reviews...(I swear I don't know that rigatony22 dude...he's like a stalker or something...LOL...jk Anthony!) and Jess...you are NOT the ruler of the coconuts...I already told you, I AM THE QUEEN/RULER OF THE COCONUTS! If I was stranded on and island with you and Anthony: I would rule the coconuts, you would have your Outback Steakhouse restaurant, and Anthony would be the village idiot...hehehe...jk!  
  
Nat: English people have funny accents! Jess: I like them! Nat: I like their accents, too! Orli's English! Jess: I thought he was British?  
Nat: Slaps forehead  
Jess: What? Nat: British people ARE English people.  
  
Also, thanks everyone who's been reviewing...you guys rock!
>>>>> 
>>>>> ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- ---------------------------------
>>>>> 
>>>>> "Oh damn it!" was something that could be heard being screeched throughout the whole ship.  
  
Natalie screamed again for the fiftieth time.  
  
"What the Hell?!" she shrieked.  
  
"Um...what's wrong with Natalie?" Jessica asked.  
  
"Don't as—"Will got cut off by Natalie, who threw a bowl of chocolate pudding at him and Jessica.  
  
"What's wrong with me? What's wrong with me?! WHAT'S WRONG WITH ME?!" Natalie screamed.  
  
"Uh...yeah?" asked Jessica.  
  
"I'll tell you what's wrong! I can't find my Savage Garden CD's!!!" Natalie yelled.  
  
"Uh-oh," Jessica said.  
  
"Yeah," Will said. "We don't know where they went..."  
  
Natalie stormed off muttering about how people need to stop telling her that Darren Hayes is not her boyfriend.  
  
"Okaaay then!" Will said.  
  
"We should go after her so that she doesn't do something stupid," Jessica said.  
  
"Why do I have to?" Will asked.  
  
"Because you're her boyfriend," Jessica replied.  
  
"Actually, I'm her fiancé."  
  
Jessica slapped her forehead, and continued following Natalie. Will decided to follow them both.  
  
---------------------------------------------------------------------------- ---------------------------------  
  
Natalie searched her cabin for the tenth time. No luck. Her CD player was gone. Her two Savage Garden CD's were gone. And her Darren Hayes CD was gone. She howled in frustration.  
  
Natalie decided to take a break and go to the galley for a glass of iced tea. She sipped her drink in silence, listening to the creaking of the ship. And then, suddenly, she heard another sound. It was the sound of someone singing Savage Garden songs...and that someone was...  
  
"ANTHONY?!" Natalie screamed. She flung her glass of iced tea onto the table and ran to Anthony's room. She opened the door, and there stood Anthony, singing to his mirror image.  
  
_"I want to stand with you on a mountain I want to bathe with you in the sea I want to lay like this forever, Until the sky falls down on me.."_  
  
Anthony stopped singing. He gave Natalie a goofy grin and then continued on singing to his reflection.  
  
"STOP IT! YOU MUTILATED THE SONG!" Natalie yelled at Anthony.  
  
"No, I didn't."  
  
"Yes, you did. Why did you steal my CD's?!" Natalie asked him.  
  
"Because I like your CD's, and I wanted to sing them to my...preciousss!" Anthony replied.  
  
"I didn't know you were that desperate!" Natalie said.  
  
"Well, didn't I tell you that I was desperate to go out with anyone?" Anthony asked her. He then gave her a big smile.  
  
"Why you little..." Will tried to break past Jessica and Natalie to punch Anthony. Fortunately, Natalie and Jessica both restrained him from causing Anthony any harm.  
  
"How long have you been standing here?" Anthony asked Jessica and Will.  
  
"Long enough..." Jessica said. She gave Anthony a disgusted face.  
  
"You have issues!" Natalie said. "I suggest that you should be enrolled in a mental institution!"  
  
"No, that's wrong!" Anthony said.  
  
"I think you have been for a very long time a rotten little bitch," Jessica said to Anthony.  
  
"What the Hell?!" Anthony asked.  
  
"I dunno!" Jessica said.  
  
"Okaaay then!" he said.  
  
"Anyways, if you're that desperate, why don't you ask someone like Elizabitch out?" Natalie asked Anthony.  
  
"She rejected me! WAH!" Anthony sobbed.  
  
"Oh...I can see why..." Will muttered.  
  
All of a sudden, a very scary dark form entered the corridor outside the room. Everyone on the ship felt a cold presence that made their blood run cold. It made them feel as if they were falling off a cliff and were about to hit jagged rocks to meet their doom. The person seemed to be listening to his cell phone's ring tones and talking to people on his palm pilot. The boy was very skinny with no muscle at all. He had braces on and pimples all over his face...he was...  
  
"What the Hell?!" Natalie said as she looked through the crack in the door. She let the others look at the horrid sight.  
  
"Is that who I think it is?" Anthony asked.  
  
"'It'?" Jessica asked.  
  
"Yeah...I think it is 'It'," Natalie said.  
  
"Who is 'It'?" asked Will.  
  
"He's one of the intolerable sinister essences that were put into our high school," Natalie whispered.  
  
"Intolerable sinister essences?" Will asked.  
  
"Yes...there are four...'It', Boil Boy, Sir Quincy McFaggot, and Anna," Natalie replied.  
  
"Boil Boy? Who's that?" Jessica asked.  
  
"Remember that kid in my biology class that had that really stupid and geeky pick-up line where he asked Robyn if he could reprogram her calculator?" Natalie asked.  
  
"Oh yeah...that kid with that huge boil on his face?" Jessica asked.  
  
"Yeah, that's him. And Anna was this girl in our biology class that would scream and run away from little bugs...it was quite annoying when you're trying to study, because if she saw even an ant, she'd start to scream."  
  
"Well, who is 'It'?" asked Will.  
  
"His name is Spencer...he stalks anyone that he sees. He likes to listen to the ring tones on his cell phone and talk to people on MSN on his palm pilot. He's like a geek, but not smart enough to be one," Natalie replied.  
  
"If you don't watch out, he'll hit on you," Jessica said.  
  
"Ewww!" Will said.  
  
"I'm not even that desperate," Anthony said.  
  
"Shhh! I think he's coming this way!" Natalie said. She motioned for everyone to hide in the closet. They closed the door just so that there was a little crack to look through.  
  
The sinister skinny boy walked into the room. He started to hum to the "Teletubbies" theme song ring tone that he had on his cell phone.  
  
"My ears!" Will cried.  
  
"Ahhh!" Anthony tried to keep quiet.  
  
"Everyone be silent!" Natalie hissed.  
  
Spencer stopped humming. He looked around with his little beady eyes searching for who had cried out.  
  
"Hey! Is anyone in here?" he asked in his terrible lisp.  
  
_Be quiet,_ Natalie mouthed.  
  
Spencer looked around suspiciously. He bent down and looked under Anthony's bed. Nothing was there.  
  
He got back up and started to go through Anthony's stuff. He found Anthony's football and stared at it with hate. He took out a pin and popped it.  
  
"What the..." Anthony whispered. "He popped my football!"  
  
"At least he didn't pop your pimple..." Jessica said.  
  
"Amen!" Anthony said.  
  
"Shhh!" Will said.  
  
Spencer was now going through things on Anthony's table. He started to reach for Anthony's CD player...  
  
"Oh my gawwwd..." Natalie nearly said too loudly.  
  
"Shhh!" Jessica said. She was too late.


End file.
